Button v2.0

By Conlan | Published: February 27, 2010

The rumors are true.

button_blog.jpg

You’ll notice a number of exciting updates in the new version.

Release notes (2.0):

  • Simplified user interface
  • Now with 85% more beard
  • Numerous bug fixes and enhancements

It is a very nice button. Just listen to this REAL TESTIMONIAL from Travis Sheridan: “Wearing the @thisisconlan button makes me moe (sic) popular…and you can quote me on that.”

If you would like your very own “This is Conlan: The Button v2.0″, please come find me, then ask me for one. Alternately, if you live far away (i.e., New York), please utilize the “donate” button on my awesome website and contribute some amount for postage and handling, then email me your address. Then I will send you a couple.1

Act now. While supplies last.

  1. You can even donate if you don’t get yours through the mail. [↩]
Posted in News | Tagged | 3 Comments

Ask Conlan: Kitty Meow Town

By Conlan | Published: February 10, 2010

A reader (ironically) writes:

Why am I never allowed to own a cat?

Thank you for your question, Doug. This is a very interesting situation requiring the requisite non sequiturs (and therefore non sequitees, for argument’s sake), but what—inasmuch as there is such thing—does this actually preclude? The answer to that is simple: Don’t buy a bucket of butter when the squids aren’t squeaking, am I right? What this means, in context, is that there’s no one specific instance by which all others must be prejudged. The “jury” is, when it comes around to it, out.

And yet, the feline aspects of the equation remain in play (as it were). For example, don’t expect much help from the U.S. Supreme Court on this one.1 It’s a matter of onion. I wonder if that’s where the onion came from. Onions are like assholes: everybody’s got one and they all make you cry when you chop them up.

But I divergess. The answer to this question, Dob, lies in the idiosyncrasy of it, itself. What we are dealing with here, then, is, of course, not a viable option. It is an enviable option. Gosh, I wish I had that option. (Do you see my point?)

All living things hate you.

  1. Not true. [↩]
Posted in Ask Conlan | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Namaste

By Conlan | Published: January 12, 2010

I just came across this idiotic website proposing that Fresno change its name in order to, somehow, suddenly have a better image. To somehow be less of a punchline. The Fresnan has a great rundown of why this is probably the lamest revitalization idea ever, so I refer you there for background info and details. But I feel I need to contribute to the dialogue the way I know best: with mockery.

Here are some sample conversations that would occur after the name change.

SCENE 1

EXT. After the UC Irvine graduation ceremonies, two graduates converse.

NATHAN: What are you plans now?

BETH: I’ve got a job lined up in Great Valley.1

NATHAN: Fresno? I saw the story on CNN about them changing their name. Yeah, ‘Great Valley’ makes the smog smell like tulips. Losers. Anyway, good luck.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 2

INT. San Francisco cocktail party overlooking the Bay Bridge. SUSAN and ANNIE chat over cosmos.

SUSAN: …So that’s why I moved out here from Chicago. Where are you from originally?

ANNIE: I grew up in Central California.

SUSAN: Really? What part?

ANNIE: Um, Rancho Sierra.

SUSAN: Hm. Is that near Sacramento?

ANNIE: Well, it’s more south. It’s actually bigger than Sacramento.

SUSAN: Oh, I can’t believe I haven’t heard of it. Are you sure?

ANNIE: Yeah. Well, it used to be called Fresno.

SUSAN: Ohhh. That’s odd.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 3

INT. Car driving up 99 towards Yosimite.

WIFE: I’m hungry. Let’s get something to eat in Fresno.

HUSBAND: You know they changed the name, right?

WIFE: Name of what?

HUSBAND: Fresno. It’s called Muir now.

WIFE: Why?

HUSBAND: They thought it would give them a better image or something. It’s ironic; the city went into massive debt just to change all the government letterhead and repaint police cars, not to mention the university and the businesses.

WIFE: Why would it give them a better image?

HUSBAND: I guess because people think of ‘Fresno’ as uncool.

WIFE: They think a new name will fix that?

HUSBAND: I guess.

WIFE: That’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard. Look, Kingsburg. Let’s eat here.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 4

INT. High school gymnasium in Phoenix, Arizona. A college fair. Booths are set up and students mill around.

MALE STUDENT (approaching booth): CSUBT? Where’s that?

RECRUITER: In beautiful Blossom Trail, California. Most of the time we call it Blossom Trail State. Let me show you some–

MALE STUDENT: I’m a football player. I’m sure as shit not going to play for ‘Blossom Trail State’. See you in hell.

(Student walks off, another walks up.)

RECRUITER: Hello, there. Thinking about college in California?

FEMALE STUDENT: Blossom Trail? Isn’t that the city that changed its name because it sucked so much?

RECRUITER: Well, not exactly. But we’ve changed more than our name. Since then the city of Blossom Trail has reduced crime by almost 40%. And we’ve got a thriving downtown entertainment district where, by the way, our fantastic new BTSU satellite campus is located.

FEMALE STUDENT: What was it called before?

RECRUITER: The city? It was named Fresno, but let me tell you about the job opportunities that have been created for our graduates. Nearly 80 percent of–

FEMALE STUDENT: Frez-no. Why’d you change it?

RECRUITER: Um, well, it wasn’t really up to us. I just represent the university. Did you know our business program, in conjunction with the Blossom Trail City government, provides opportunities to–

FEMALE STUDENT: That seems… dumb.

RECRUITER: Yes, but–

FEMALE STUDENT: Don’t you guys have pride in your history?

RECRUITER: Funny you should say that, because–

FEMALE STUDENT: It’s kind of disgusting, if you think about it. If a student writes a shitty essay at your college, can they improve their grade by just changing the title?

RECRUITER: Of course n–

FEMALE STUDENT: Yuck.

(She walks away.)

FADE OUT.

SCENE 5

CLOSEUP of TV screen. Opening titles of late night show play.

ANNOUNCER: It’s the Conan O’Brien Show! Only on Fox! And now, here’s Conan O’Brien!

CONAN: Thank you, thank you. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. But first, did you hear about Dakota Fanning? Seems this time she’s really screwed up. Meth, orgies, dead puppies. Yikes. Hollywood insiders are saying this might be the end of her career; her reputation is ruined. Although… she could always try…. changing her name to Vineyard, California!

(Audience erupts with laughter)

FADE OUT.

THE END.

  1. Actual possible proposed names. [↩]
Posted in City | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

The Great Treacle Debacle

By Conlan | Published: January 11, 2010

This is not what you’re looking for.

It’s not very often I, being Conlan, have a chance to see what life is like on “the other side”, by which I mean the desert. I don’t even really like dessert. Just desserts is a thing, but it’s actually “just deserts”. Not many people understand this.

There’s not much understanding in the world today. We, as people, then to overlook the why?s and the whatnot?s in favor of the wow!s and whereboob?s. This has led to what I like to call “The Great Treacle Debacle”. Ironically, this is confusing (in a sense) because treacle and debacle do not sound alike. They are, in grammarian terms, sousaphones. That means they’re words that produce a high, brassy peal whenever you blow them.

Speaking of which, I attended a recent burlesque show during which a fire eater made a number of double entendre-esque comments that I found offensive. I don’t like sports, but I watch the Superbowl sometimes and I know what that sort of thing looks like. Very few people do, you know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, smart is smart. The next time you see your Uniter States Postal worker, say hi. You might be surprised.

Posted in Nothing | Tagged | 1 Comment

  • Hello there.

    This is Conlan. I'm a freelance writer and blogger. I live in Fresno, CA. I write this blog, and other things sometimes. I encourage you to pay me to write things. Please see the "Freelance" page for more information on that. (Seriously.) If you'd just want to know who I am and what I'm all about (including mostly lies), check the "About" page.

  • If you like reading this blog, buy me a beer.