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This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest, Episode 34

Speaking of Twitter, here’s some stuff I said on Twitter (with links).

STUPID:

…More like the PBS SNOOZEhour with Gwen AWFUL.

This is really funny if you’re part of the 1% of people with the sensibilities that would make this funny. I enjoy writing for an extremely limited audience—sometimes it’s just me.

For the record, I really like the PBS NewsHour. But come on: Gwen Awful? That’s gold.

STUPID:

Hair is fleeting, but eyebrows are forever.

This popped into my head because I was reading about “permanent makeup” where people basically get tattoos of eyebrows. But it also works on a naturobiological[1] level.

WORDPLAY:

If someone told you two parables that weren’t very compelling, I think a funny thing to say would be, “More like pair-o’-BULL!”

Because it’s a homophone.

STUPID:

Oh, great. I spilled the urine I was drinking all over my pants, and now it looks like I peed myself.

This one was pretty popular (i.e., it was retweeted a lot). Which made me happy because it’s a pretty good joke. I also like the idea of putting the punchline at the beginning.

WISDOM:

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be fat.

I put a new spin on this old Ben Franklin chestnut.

STUPID:

The next time I visit a famous cemetery, I’m going to send you a postcard that says, “Wish you were here!”

I had the idea for this joke a long time ago. I was going to actually make a fake postcard like this, but then I remembered that I’m too lazy to actually do stuff, so I wrote it instead. Don’t worry; it’s still funny.

WORDPLAY:

Commodities are so hot right now.

This is a joke about hot commodities.

STUPID:

I really want to get into the whole “raw food” thing, but this chicken tastes horrible is a joke I just said on Twitter.

This is a not very good, too-easy joke. And it’s not even timely.

REACTION:

A third of Iowa caucus voters say they’re still undecided.

I can understand that; I desperately want to be relevant, too.

This one is too cynical. I think it’s lazy and stupid to make assumptions about the motives of others. On the other hand: we all want to feel like we matter, don’t we?

STUPID:

I think you should treat others as you’d like to be treated, which is why I always offer to have sex with people.

I don’t really do this, nor do I want other people to do this.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

  1. I made this word up. [↩]
  Posted 13 January 2012 in Internets  

How I use Twitter

Here I go again. Talking about Twitter. If you don’t care about Twitter, stop reading now.

Here’s the thing… I love Twitter. Like, a lot. I take it very seriously, which is why I mostly use it to make jokes. Sometimes I think this confuses people, so I want to explain how I use Twitter.

Before I get into it, I should point out: this is all subject to change without a moment’s notice. The way I use Twitter (and my blog and email and pens/paper) is always evolving. Priorities are always changing. And I think that’s the way it should be. But this is the way I see it right now.

For better or worse, I prefer to use Twitter as a creative outlet, not a social network. I use Twitter for creativity; I use Facebook for communication.[1]

Power & Responsibility

Currently, around 775 people follow me on Twitter. That certainly isn’t breaking any records, but it’s still 775 people who have given me their trust by explicitly choosing to read what I have to say. They trust me to write something worth reading, and—presumably—they find some value in the things I write (or they wouldn’t follow me).

It may seem silly to view Twitter followership as a “trust”, but that’s how I see it. And, while I don’t try to conform to others’ expectations, I do try to create an account that I’d want to follow. I try to write things that I would want to read.

Let’s be clear: there’s a lot of crap on Twitter. Between the Justin Bieber teeny-boppers, the hashtag fanatics, and the illiterate masses, the majority of Twitter is essentially unreadable. But there are also a lot of high-quality users who are a joy to follow. Thankfully, we can choose to follow these funny, informative, or otherwise interesting people and avoid the nonsense.

In an effort to be more like these better-quality Twitterers, I usually try to be funny. If I can’t do that, I try to say something interesting or original. I don’t always succeed at this, but—at the very least—I want to write something that won’t be considered a complete waste of your two seconds.

This is one of my main goals in life: I aspire to not waste your time.

Conversations

This gets trickier when dealing with conversations and @ replies.

Many people use Twitter to have conversations[2] with other people, @-replying back and forth. That’s a perfectly legitimate way to use Twitter, especially if the conversations are interesting to more than just those two people. But that’s not how I use Twitter.

People wonder why I often use private direct messages (DMs) to communicate with them, rather than posting publicly viewable @ replies. It’s because most conversations don’t meet my self-imposed criteria for being funny, interesting, or original.

My rule for conversations is this: if I’m saying something to an individual that is only intended for that person (and I don’t think it would benefit anyone else to read it), then I send it as a DM (or I don’t send it at all). Responses like “thanks”, “you’re welcome”, “yes”, “no”, or “good joke, dude” don’t need to take up valuable space in other people’s Twitter streams.

Some people reserve DMs for things that definitely shouldn’t be seen by anyone else; the rest can be seen by the public. I use DMs for stuff that wouldn’t be interesting to anyone else; only interesting things should be public.

I once replied to someone’s comment on Twitter by sending a DM that said, “Yes”. The person remarked that it was a “weird DM”. To me, it would have been weirder if I sent it as a public reply. I don’t like the idea of others seeing my personal conversations. I don’t even like talking loudly in restaurants. Ultimately, I’m just trying to respect other people’s time and attention.

I Don’t (Necessarily) Hate You

My goal in explaining all this isn’t to tell anyone how they should use Twitter. I just want to provide an explanation for people who get confused when I don’t make public small talk on Twitter (or when I send “weird” DMs).

Please believe me when I say this: from the bottom of my heart, I do not care how you use Twitter. If I see a benefit to following you on Twitter, I will.[3] If I don’t, I won’t. That’s not a threat or a personal affront; it’s just basic economics. I expect other people to treat me the same way. And that’s why I try to provide as much value as I can by being funny, interesting, or original.

So, that’s how I use Twitter. Pretentiously.

  1. This is one of the reasons I like Twitter so much more than Facebook. [↩]
  2. “How are you doing?” “I’m fine. How are you?” “Pretty good. What are you doing tonight?” “Probably nothing. I have diarrhea.” Etc. [↩]
  3. Although, even then, maybe not. I can only process so much information on Twitter. I don’t follow everyone I might enjoy following, simply because I get overwhelmed by so many toots. [↩]
  Posted 09 January 2012 in Internets  

This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest, Episode 33

I love Twitter.

STUPID:

Did you know? The candy cane colors represent the friendship of Native Americans and European settlers. And the shape represents old people.

There’s so much symbolism all around us, if we’d only look.

WORDPLAY:

My peppermint bark is worse than my bagel bite.

I wonder if this would have been better with “peppermint bite” instead of “bagel bite”. But I wanted to go for realism. Truth in comedy.

(That concludes the Holiday Treats Toots section of this episode.)

WORDPLAY:

Humans are mere mortals, but half-fish-half-humans are mere mer-mortals.

This is dumb.

STUPID:

If you tell someone something, and they incredulously ask, “Really?”, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Really as a heart attack.”

This is funny.

WISDOM:

People really appreciate honesty if you honestly tell them what they want to hear.

This is the truth.

STUPID:

Revenge is a dish best served with one of those really tiny forks.

And make sure you chew revenge well. I recommend at least 18 chews per bite.

STUPID:

Babies are like sports cars: they’re fun to play with for a little while, but I don’t think the Japanese ones are as good as the others.

I thought this one was pretty good. It’s funny because everyone knows Japanese babies are better than other kinds.

STUPID/WISDOM:

I saw a man playing chess with his dog.

I said, “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen!”

“I’m so lonely,” said the man.

If you know the old joke, this one is an unexpected variation. If you don’t know the old joke, this is just heartbreaking and poignant. You should really retweet this one.

REACTION:

Photos of coastlines should always be shot facing north. Otherwise I get disoriented.

When I see a photo of a beach with the Pacific Ocean on the right side and land on the left side, I get dizzy. North is north for a reason: because God said so.

STUPID:

If you don’t want me to let all the air out of your tires, don’t tell me you’re “under too much pressure”.

What was I *supposed* to do?

This barely makes sense.

REACTION:

It’s seems like people who know a lot about something don’t know very much about everything.

Because even smart people are stupid.

STUPID:

If you ever give a tour of your house, when you get to your bedroom, a funny thing to say would be, “This is where the magic happens.”

Everyone would think it’s really hilarious, I bet.

That concludes this episode.

  Posted 05 January 2012 in Internets  
Tagged: ,

Recipe for Resolutions

A lot of people think New Year’s resolutions are for losers. “Hey,” they think, “Why do I need a new year to make a change in my life? I don’t even know what month it is, anyway. I love frozen yogurt any time of year. Should I call it ‘fro-yo’ or ‘frogurt’? Both names are great! I’m so lonely!”

Well, I have good news for those people: You should call it “fro-yo”.

Also, New Year’s is a good time to reevaluate you life life because it is a time. It’s completely arbitrary, and that’s what makes it work. All the best, most effective stuff is arbitrary. Take the U.S. Congress… please!

You’re probably thinking, “OK, Conlan. You’ve convinced me that New Year’s resolutions are a good idea. But—I’m embarrassed to admit—I don’t know how to make a New Year’s resolution. Can you help me?”

The answer is no, of course. I don’t even know you. (Or, if I do know you, I probably don’t want to know you. So the answer is not so much “no, I can’t,” but more “no, I won’t.”) But I can help you help yourself. Here is your recipe for success:

Ingredients

  • 1 pencil with eraser (everybody makes mistakes!)
  • 1 spiral notebook, wide-ruled
  • 1 pack of 3×5 notecards, blank (for “resolution-storming”)
  • 1 cupcake (for ritual cupcake sacrifice)
  • 1 roll of duct tape (just in case)
  • 1 garbage bag
  • 1 butcher knife (for chopping)
  • 1 large bottle of bleach (for destroying the evidence)

Directions

  1. Spread out all the ingredients on the drafting table in your bunker.
  2. Take off your pants (leave your underwear on). You can resolve better when you are unencumbered.
  3. Assume the “thinking pose”: clasp your hands together, but with your index fingers extended. Touch your fingers to your lips. Alternately, if you have a beard, stroke it gingerly. I said, GINGERLY.
  4. Think. Consider the different areas of your life (work, family, TV, Facebook, and breakdancing) and think about how you suck in each area.
  5. Write down all the ways you suck in your spiral notebook (henceforth known as your Life Inventory Journal).
  6. Think about the ways you can suck less in each area of your life (fitness, bathroom etiquette, shoe size, Chinese finger traps, and healthy eating) and then—here is the tricky part—write down these resolutions on the notecards (one resolution per card, please).
  7. Arrange each solution notecard in a circle on your table.
  8. Place your Life Inventory Journal in the center of the circle, and then place your cupcake on top of your Life Inventory Journal.
  9. Violently smash the cupcake with your hand or hoof.
  10. Chop something with the butcher knife.
  11. Brush everything on the table (notecards, journal, smashed cupcake, broken dreams) into the garbage bag, and set the bag aside.
  12. Pour the entire bottle of bleach all over the table.
  13. Bask in the cleansing destruction.
  14. Put the garbage bag into your escape chute and blast it off into outerspace.
  15. Live your BEST LIFE.

And that’s how I help you help yourself.

Happy New Year, everybody.

  Posted 29 December 2011 in Life