Ask Conlan: Mathematics, maybe

Some jerk in Iowa writes:

Dear Conlan,

I have something to ask you. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. What I want to ask is this: do you think some people are mean?

Your Friend,
Some jerk

Some, I’m glad you took the time to write. Because if you didn’t take the time, your message would probably look like this: “asdjfadjls sjlfhasdljh sldfdjls fhasdfjhasdkf jhasdljf haourewhfjbsdacuinnvubhrn vrejg,” which I would have a difficult time understanding.

On the other hand, it seems you actually took too much time. You should really try to reach a happy medium, or at least a surly-but-content medium. Next time try something like this: “some people mean?” It’s called succinctedness. Look it up and try it sometime, idiot.

So, my point is, you’re so stupid that I can’t hate you enough. I mean that. The rage I feel deep in my loins is, I feel, insufficient for the kind of lame-brained hair-ball sticky-taffy stupidimoronity that you have demonstrated here today. I feel compelled to adopt a Cambodian orphan just so I can raise him (or her!) to hate you, dummy. Because you deserve more loathing than one person can offer.

Ugh! You son of a moron. I hope Iowa gets sucked into a black hole of despair (literally) because you, sir, deserve just that. It would be worth the deaths of all 40,000 people in Iowa just to have you off the face and/or surface of the planet. Do you know much about physics? Let me tell you: Force equals mass times I hate you. Look it up.

To answer your question: No. Just misunderstood.