This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 11 Special Edition

Welcome to this Special All Wisdom Edition episode of TIT:MCD. This week we’ll be devoting this space exclusively to the wise sayings of the “140-character Socrates”, also known as me. I mean, I’m talking about me. “Me” isn’t the name of someone else I’m talking about. I’m referring to myself. I want to be clear on that. When I say “the 140-character Socrates”, it’s Conlan that I’m talking about (me). Are you following me?¹

OK. Here we go.

WISDOM:

I like my parking spaces like I like my women: within walking distance.

This is just common sense.

WISDOM:

I like my parking spaces like I like my women. I take the bus.

This one is a bit more philosophical.

WISDOM:

The best things in life are free. If you steal them.

A scathing indictment of capitalism?

WISDOM:

Sometimes a good hug is all it takes. To kill someone. If you squeeze hard enough.

Just a little tidbit to keep on file, I’m just sayin’.

WISDOM:

Take a joke.

Seriously. Please. Take it.

WISDOM:

A good thing about no longer being in school: it’s OK to want summer to end. Also: significantly fewer wedgies.

Did you ever think of it that way?

WISDOM:

I wish people would remember how stupid we all are.

OK, pay attention here. This is not just a cynical and accurate observation. I believe this so hard, and I include myself and you. Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you: you are not very smart. You know how you feel about that one social or political issue? And how everyone who disagrees with you must be an imbecile? Guess what? They don’t must be an imbecile. People who are smarter than you, throughout history and today, disagree with you. It’s not as simple as it seems to you. In the end, you may be right and they may be wrong, but it’s not because your reasoning is so obviously superior. You are stupid. We are stupid.² I can’t stress this enough. How about a little humility?

WISDOM:

The best laid plans of mice and men… are a bunch of bullshit.

Anyone who doesn’t recognize this as true must be an idiot.

WISDOM:

Loose lips sink ships; loose libidos fire torpedoes.

The wisest things are also the rhymiest. Think about it.

That concludes this Special Edition episode of “This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest”.

1. Ha, a little Twitter humor for you. [↩]
2. Relatively speaking. [↩]