This is Conlan

Dear Gary,

You’re probably wondering how I got your address. There are four simple explanations for this:

1. Internet is a beautiful thing. It knows all.
2. You are my friend. I think I’d have my friend’s address!
3. This is an open letter, so I didn’t actually send anything to an address, stupid.
4. If, somewhere in the world, there actually is someone named “Gary Pumperdine”, I’m sure I’ve never heard of him, so just chill out, dude.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, there are a few things I’d like to get off my chest, besides my nipples.

Gary, I know you look like Donald Sutherland. Everybody knows. You don’t have to keep telling everyone. It’s getting annoying.

“Hi, I’m Gary. Don’t I look like Donald Sutherland?”

“I could really go for some frozen yogurt right now because I look like Donald Sutherland.”

Enough already! We get it!

But that’s not all.

You have to stop calling coffee, “coffee smoothies”. Just because you put milk in it doesn’t mean coffee becomes a “coffee smoothie”. Smoothies are blended drinks, usually with fruit or, ironically, frozen yogurt. Coffee with milk is still just coffee. And no, two Sweet’N Lows don’t make it a smoothie either. I don’t know why you continue to say “coffee smoothie”. I can only guess it is your pitiable attempt to add a bit of fun to an otherwise ho-hum daily occurrence. I get it. We all do. But it’s like me, Rico, Giuseppe, and the guys have been telling you: you don’t have the spirit of fun inside you. Some people do. Some don’t. You don’t. I’m sorry. But you must stop.

Finally, we come to the most important part of this letter. I’m sure you know what I’m referring to…

The kilt. Yes, the kilt. It’s just so not appropriate. I realize we’re living in the 90s, and everyone is more “free” about their bodies and gender roles, but even Giuseppe agrees^[1]: it needs to stop. Listen. Despite our better judgement, we are still your friends and we want what is best for you. You cannot continue to wear your kilt like you have been for the last six weeks. Seriously. Especially without underwear. Yes, we know that’s how you’re “supposed” to wear it. But you’re not supposed to wear it pulled up to your armpits, OK? Wear your kilt at the waist like a normal person or put on some goddarn pants!

Phew. There. I hope I didn’t come across too harsh. And I hope you’ll take what I said to heart. Because I do care. We all do. We’re all rooting for you—me, Jimmy, Sandy-cakes, and the rest of the gang. Best of luck, Gary.

Your friend,
Conlan

1. And you know what a whore Giuseppe is. [↩]