This is Conlan

Let’s just say, it’s been a “long week”.

Last night, my best friend and I shared a pint of Ben and Jerry’s^[1] and a good cry. I came to some important realizations.

I have had it with bad relationships. I’m done being treated like dirt! And I’m done staying when, in my heart, I know I should be staying less. I know, I know; it’s been my own fault. It’s because I made bad choices (although I’m pretty sure I was influenced—at least partially—by that episode of Oprah with the teens who want plastic surgery). But that’s going to stop! Starting today, I will not settle for anything less than what I know I deserve. And to prove it, I made a list! Because if something is in a list, it can’t not be true!

• I will not date anyone who is not motivated (a “go-getter”)^[2].
• I will not date anyone who does not take care of themselves^[3].
• I will only date someone who is open-minded^[4].
• I will not date anyone I am related to.
• I will be honest with myself (and the police) about how much my relationship is or is not like Ross and Rachel’s.
• I will not press charges unless I have evidence (at least circumstantial).
• I will not relinquish the remote control.
• I will not date anyone who plays childish games (except Hungry, Hungry Hippos: that shit is fun!).
• I will not date someone who verbally abuses me (unless they are really good-looking).
• I will only date someone with a sense of humor^[5].
• And finally, I will only date someone who accept me for who I am (i.e., an abusive alcoholic with a gambling problem^[6])

Maybe that’s asking too much. Well, if that’s asking too much, you can just go ahead and call me “the person who’s asking too much,” because apparently I’m asking too much, and I don’t even care! Because I’m worth it! Maybe it’s Maybelline, bitches.

1. Mmm, FULL-FAT Rocky Road! [↩]
2. I.e., makes a lot of money. [↩]
3. I.e., no fatties. [↩]
4. I.e., no Blacks, Jews, Puerto Ricans, or Unitarians. [↩]
5. Especially about how fat and stupid they are—hey, if you don’t want me to joke about it, try skipping dessert and not being so stupid for a change! Zing! It’s fun! Idiot. [↩]
6. Also, a serial adulterer. [↩]