This is Conlan

A reader (ironically) writes:

Why am I never allowed to own a cat?

Thank you for your question, Doug. This is a very interesting situation requiring the requisite non sequiturs (and therefore non sequitees, for argument’s sake), but what—inasmuch as there is such thing—does this actually preclude? The answer to that is simple: Don’t buy a bucket of butter when the squids aren’t squeaking, am I right? What this means, in context, is that there’s no one specific instance by which all others must be prejudged. The “jury” is, when it comes around to it, out.

And yet, the feline aspects of the equation remain in play (as it were). For example, don’t expect much help from the U.S. Supreme Court on this one.^[1] It’s a matter of onion. I wonder if that’s where the onion came from. Onions are like assholes: everybody’s got one and they all make you cry when you chop them up.

But I divergess. The answer to this question, Dob, lies in the idiosyncrasy of it, itself. What we are dealing with here, then, is, of course, not a viable option. It is an enviable option. Gosh, I wish I had that option. (Do you see my point?)

All living things hate you.

1. Not true. [↩]