This is Conlan

I may have gotten mixed up. I apologize if I have posted these before. Actually, no I don’t.

STUPID:

I never thought I’d say this, but… Snurp flam piguna nyipe nyipe charoooo!

But very true.

WORDPLAY:

If I gave you the option of either a ladder or a stepstool, would you choose the former or the latter?

This one is a classic joke I made up that doesn’t work in written form. Also, I think maybe my friend Matt made it up, not me.

WORDPLAY:

What if I sweetened the pot by adding a little Splenda to the marijuana?

Sold.

STUPID:

Thinking about getting a tattoo of my face on my butt.

And vice versa.

Sold.

WISDOM:

Superlatives are like laxatives. If you use them too often, you shit your pants.

This is not strictly true. It’s probably a metaphor. I think the pants are your soul. I think the shit is shit.

WORDPLAY:

Superlatives are the worst.

This is pure gold.

WISDOM:

People say “follow your heart” as if we don’t already do that all time. How about following your effing brain once in a while?

“No, because then I’d just be looking up and spinning in circles.”

WORDPLAY:

Insult: you smell like a cocker spaniel.

Compliment: you smell like a bloodhound.

This is a joke.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.