Hey.
STUPID:
Down with pants! LITERALLY!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 11, 2012
This is funny because it’s true. If you really were opposed to pants, and you were wearing pants, then you would literally pull down your pants.[1]
WISDOM:
No one ever said, “I want to be a junkie when I grow up,” except for a whole generation of kids who thought they were pretty damn clever.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 11, 2012
What smartass kid didn’t immediately say “I want to be a junkie when I grow up!” after seeing that commercial? I know I did. Irony is funny no matter how old you are.
REACTION:
Sometimes I accidentally fall in love with strangers when I see their pictures on my friends’ Facebook walls. Don’t act like you don’t.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 11, 2012
Facebook just puts pictures of people who know people you know in front of your face. It’s weird.
WORDPLAY:
Honestly, I’m more comfortable under pressure than I am under a giant cartoon anvil.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 11, 2012
This doesn’t make sense.
STUPID:
My favorite reminders are deadly reminders.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 11, 2012
This is not strictly true.
WORDPLAY:
The Crochetin’ Croatian.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 11, 2012
I Midnight Dumped this because I couldn’t come up with an actual joke for it, but I think it’s funny.
STUPID:
FYI: Pharmacists don’t think it’s funny when you try to buy Sudafed by asking for “the meth stuff”.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 11, 2012
I didn’t actually do this. It’s just a joke. But I imagine they wouldn’t think it was very funny. But I bet a meth-head would think it was funny. So, know your audience.
STUPID:
For a fun and refreshing treat, do what I do: put your yogurt in the freezer for 30 minutes before you eat it and die alone.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 10, 2012
I like this one. I chose “putting your yogurt in the freezer for 30 minutes” because it’s something that I really do, but I probably should have used something a little more pathetic.
STUPID:
It’s weird how I can be surrounded by other people but still feel totally alone while standing naked in this women’s locker room.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 10, 2012
I think I screwed up with this one too. Maybe “naked in a women’s locker room” wasn’t the funniest place.
STUPID:
Sometimes I feel like my feet are the only things keeping me from walking around on ankle stumps.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 9, 2012
This is funny. Retweet it.
WISDOM:
When my high school literature teacher asked me to describe Hamlet’s relationship with his father, I said, “Platonic.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 9, 2012
This is a true story. Well, not exactly. My teacher asked the class as a whole, and I leaned over to the girl next to me and said, “Platonic.” She and I thought it was really funny, so we laughed and laughed and were asked to leave the classroom until we could compose ourselves. That really happened.
STUPID:
Apartment neighbors are so annoying. The people who live below me are ALWAYS COMPLAINING about me jumping up and down at 3 a.m.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 8, 2012
The ol’ switcheroo.
STUPID:
People probably wouldn’t care so much about saving the rainforest if it was called the rapeforest.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 7, 2012
A rose by any other name…
WISDOM:
Like the saying goes: those who cannot remember the past are condemned to… something something.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 7, 2012
See, this is funny because I couldn’t remember the past.
I forgot what I’m supposed to say at the end of these.
- Did you ever notice how “pulling down your pants” is really more “pushing” than “pulling”? Observational humor! [↩]