Hello, how are you today?
REACTION:
When I was a kid I used to think that being grown up would be great because I could eat candy until I got sick. I was right.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 17, 2012
I wrote this after I ate too much candy and got an upset stomach. USA! USA!
WORDPLAY:
When my psychiatrist says something particularly insightful, I tell her, “Well, now you can diagnose me as ‘clinically IMpressed’!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 16, 2012
I like this joke quite a lot. Leaving the reader to fill in the implied alternative (“depressed”) allows for a greater appreciation of the comedy, I think. At it’s root, this is just a basic (and kind of lame) pun. But the somewhat dark (or at least culturally taboo) topic of mental illness and psychotherapy adds a comedic element of surprise. I’ve never actually said this to a psychiatrist, but it would definitely be funny if I did.
STUPID:
If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be dismembered by a pack of roving cannibals.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 15, 2012
Here I’m doing that thing I do where I take a common saying and make it dumber.
REACTION:
I’d let the alien invaders from _Battleship_ destroy my Earth anytime!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 15, 2012
This joke is ridiculous. It requires that you know (a) Battleship is a movie starring the singer Rhianna, (b) Rhianna dated and was subsequently domestically abused by singer Chris Brown in 2009, and (c) there was a minor online controversy during the 2012 Grammys—at which Chris Brown performed—when a significant number of stupid idiot girls on Twitter said things like, “I’d let Chris Brown beat me up anytime” (they said this, presumably, because he is attractive and their fathers didn’t love them enough). And then you had to connect all those dots from just the mention of the movie and a rather vague “I’d let [someone hurt me] anytime” allusion. That’s a lot of work, but if anyone actually made it to the finish line, I bet they thought it was a damn fine joke.
STUPID:
Do you think this 10-day juice cleanse will still work if I just reuse the juice in my bathtub instead of filling it up fresh every day?
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 15, 2012
See, this is funny because it’s like I don’t understand what a “juice cleanse” is. But obviously “juice cleanse” doesn’t mean you bathe in juice; you just have to wash your hair with it.
STUPID:
Guess where I am. I’ll give you a hint: I’m not wearing pants.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 14, 2012
Pants—or, more specifically, not wanting to wear pants—is another common theme of mine. (I was at home.)
WISDOM:
I didn’t get my mom anything for Mother’s Day because the most precious gift you can give a mother is the gift of martyrdom.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 13, 2012
I think this is a good joke.
REACTION:
Perfume commercials are a comforting reminder that the world makes no sense.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 12, 2012
This doesn’t make sense. Which seems appropriate.
WORDPLAY:
My new door-to-door salesman job is going really great! (knock on wood)
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 11, 2012
This is a stuuuupid pun. But I like it. It might have played better in my patented “A Funny Thing to Say” construction. Live and learn, I guess.
STUPID:
The “War on Drugs” is a joke. Or maybe it’s not. Everything seems funny when I’m this high.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 11, 2012
I don’t do drugs.
WORDPLAY:
Never say die. Just do it. Never say die; just do it.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 10, 2012
This is a joke about combining two things that people say into a single thing that people probably wouldn’t say. (Each sentence is supposed to be on a separate line, but Twitter’s formatting screwed me again.)
That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.