Have you guys heard of this thing Twitter? It’s weird, wild stuff. Sometimes I tell jokes on there and then I freak out and wonder if anybody understood the joke I was trying to make because, OMG, what if I’m not as clever as I think I am!? So then I post them again here and explain them and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
REACTION:
It’s reassuring to hear that the contestants on this dating reality show are open to finding love.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 6, 2012
From a sociological perspective, reality TV is very interesting. From a societal perspective, we’re all doomed.
STUPID:
If I started a push to be known as “TV’s Conlan”, would you guys back me up?
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 6, 2012
This is a dumb thing.
STUPID:
My social media manager says I should be more sociable.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 6, 2012
I don’t have a social media manager. The people are my social media managers. This is a dumb thing, too. (Although it’s based on something I heard someone say, and I thought it was an interesting idea.)
STUPID:
I’m calling it: homo sapiens are the best species in United States history!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 6, 2012
The part about this that makes it funny is the “United States history” part.
WORDPLAY:
If we called dehydration “byedration”, we’d save a whole syllable.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 6, 2012
This is really dumb. I don’t even know what this was supposed to mean… Oh, wait. I remember. Because it’s like “hi”-dration. So the opposite of that would be “bye”-dration. I guess that makes sense.
WISDOM:
Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s ALL going to burn up anyway when our sun turns into a red giant so what’s the point of anything?).
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 6, 2012
See, instead of “and it’s all small stuff”. I tricked you. Also, we’re all doomed.
WORDPLAY:
Join me for laughs at Open Mike Night tomorrow, 7pm at the hospital’s operating theater. Look for the sign: “Michael Smith, Triple Bypass.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 5, 2012
I like this one. It would work better spoken, because of Mike/mic, but I think it still works because the punchline comes up fast. I think it’s good that the punchline hits all three points—open, Mike, and night—and then the kicker is when your brain circles back and thinks about the “join me for laughs” part.
REACTION:
The best thing about being self-employed is, I get to wear my pajamas while not being able to pay my bills.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 4, 2012
This is a good one, too. (But don’t worry, it’s just a joke. In actuality I use the British spelling of pyjamas.)
WORDPLAY:
You can’t have your druthers and eat it too.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 4, 2012
See, instead of “cake”.
STUPID:
Hey, did you guys know the Kardashians are based on a true story?
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 3, 2012
Whatever.
WISDOM:
“This situation is stickier than a polyester suit in a Mississippi summertime.” I just made up this charming folk saying. You can use it.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 3, 2012
I like the flow of this sentence, and I do think it’s a rather charming, folky saying.
REACTION:
What if God was, like, *20* of us???
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 2, 2012
See, instead of “one of us”.
WISDOM:
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water unless it won’t stop crying.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 2, 2012
What’s with all the crying all the time, babies? Grow up.
That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.