Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then I explain them here, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
STUPID:
If you see a car that’s really dirty, I think a funny thing to write in the dirt on the window would be, “I wish my wife wasn’t in prison.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 11, 2012
See, instead of “I wish my wife was this dirty.” It’s the ol’ switcheroo. Plus, why’s your wife in prison?
WORDPLAY:
I’m gonna level with you guys: I want to help you straighten those paintings on the wall.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 10, 2012
See, level. (This is a funny one.)
STUPID:
“I Just Called to Say I Love You”, probably because texting is a hassle for blind people.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 10, 2012
This is a joke about communication in the digital age and also Stevie Wonder?
REACTION:
It’s rather presumptuous to assume I ever did the time warp in the first place.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 9, 2012
This is about a song. Someone on the internet said, “doesn’t the mere mention of time warping imply that you’re already doing the time warp while contemplating the presumption, thus allowing for a repeat of said act?” To which I responded, “I don’t believe so. If the answer to the proposition ‘let’s do the time warp again’ is yes, then you’d be correct. But if the answer is no, then you wouldn’t. I think.” And of course I was right.
WISDOM:
“Everyone is a horrible driver except me!” – everyone except me
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 8, 2012
This isn’t a joke about horrible drivers. It’s a joke about how we all tend to minimize or ignore our own faults while exaggerating the faults of others. Horrible driving is just one example.
WORDPLAY:
Presumably there are a lot of ugly people getting kicked out of bed for eating crackers.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 8, 2012
I wonder what the origin of that idiom is. Crackers are pretty interesting.
STUPID:
It’d suck to be married to someone with an identical twin; you’d never *really* be sure you were having an affair with your sister-in-law.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 7, 2012
This is a funny switcheroo, too. You think it’s gonna be about me being suspicious of my wife, but it turns out she should be suspicious of me.[1] Also, don’t have affairs, people. It’s despicable. Just get divorced like a normal person.
REACTION:
Buzzing bees *are* drunk bees.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 7, 2012
There were these TV commercials about drunk driving that said “Buzzed driving is drunk driving.” So I made a joke about the word “buzz”. Also, don’t drink and drive, people. Just pass out in a gutter like a normal person.
That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
- I’m not really married, ladies. [↩]