If you see a car that’s really dirty, I think a funny thing to write in the dirt on the window would be, “I wish my wife wasn’t in prison.”— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 11, 2012
See, instead of “I wish my wife was this dirty.” It’s the ol’ switcheroo. Plus, why’s your wife in prison?
I’m gonna level with you guys: I want to help you straighten those paintings on the wall.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 10, 2012
See, level. (This is a funny one.)
“I Just Called to Say I Love You”, probably because texting is a hassle for blind people.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 10, 2012
This is a joke about communication in the digital age and also Stevie Wonder?
It’s rather presumptuous to assume I ever did the time warp in the first place.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 9, 2012
This is about a song. Someone on the internet said, “doesn’t the mere mention of time warping imply that you’re already doing the time warp while contemplating the presumption, thus allowing for a repeat of said act?” To which I responded, “I don’t believe so. If the answer to the proposition ‘let’s do the time warp again’ is yes, then you’d be correct. But if the answer is no, then you wouldn’t. I think.” And of course I was right.
“Everyone is a horrible driver except me!” – everyone except me— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 8, 2012
This isn’t a joke about horrible drivers. It’s a joke about how we all tend to minimize or ignore our own faults while exaggerating the faults of others. Horrible driving is just one example.
Presumably there are a lot of ugly people getting kicked out of bed for eating crackers.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 8, 2012
I wonder what the origin of that idiom is. Crackers are pretty interesting.
It’d suck to be married to someone with an identical twin; you’d never *really* be sure you were having an affair with your sister-in-law.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 7, 2012
This is a funny switcheroo, too. You think it’s gonna be about me being suspicious of my wife, but it turns out she should be suspicious of me. Also, don’t have affairs, people. It’s despicable. Just get divorced like a normal person.
Buzzing bees *are* drunk bees.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 7, 2012
There were these TV commercials about drunk driving that said “Buzzed driving is drunk driving.” So I made a joke about the word “buzz”. Also, don’t drink and drive, people. Just pass out in a gutter like a normal person.
That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
- I’m not really married, ladies. [↩]