About Conlan

You are Conlan Spangler. You are a writer (some may say, “unemployed”, but those are the jealous ones) and live in Fresno, CA. You write a blog and other things sometimes. You suffer from social anxiety and advanced misanthropism. You enjoy referring to yourself in the second person (he didn’t see that one coming, did I?). You’re an overpronator: you need arch support. You dislike euphemism. You enjoy onomatopoeia. You exaggerate to the point of absurdity (which you believe is the proper way to exaggerate). You are cynical about many things (for example, cynicism itself). You do a little dance when you’re alone in elevators. You have poor posture. You don’t smile superfluously. You like music, philosophical consistency, and old time radio. You may or may not be a half-human/half-robot cyborg from the center of the Earth, sent to the surface on a secret mission of observation, but—rest assured—with only benevolent intentions. Again, that’s a maybe. Anyway, if I want to pay you to write or edit something, or I know a funny joke, email yourself: [my email address].

1. Probably two.

But I’ve found a solution that offers me the best of both worlds—and by “both worlds”, I mean only one world. I am putting the Daily Con on indefinite hiatus. Maybe I’ll be able to start up again in a week or two, or maybe I’ll never blog again. Who knows? It’s that kind of suspenseful uncertainty that makes life so much fun—and by “so much fun”, I mean horrible.

While I’m at it, sorry for even being born. I’m sorry my existence is so inconvenient for you (I assume). 50 words, done.

Thanks for reading.

For one thing, I hate being told what to do. And I hate the hoops I see other bloggers jump through to get comments. I hate seeing posts that end with, “But what do you think about [whatever the post is about]??? Leave a comment below! Please! I need validation!”

I’m all for conversation, and certain sites are great at fostering conversation, and that’s all great. But on most websites, comments are just noise. And I don’t need it.

I haven’t had any problems with comments (mostly because I don’t have very many readers in the first place, and the readers I do have are all nice), but I also haven’t had any particularly encouraging experiences either. The net effect is, it’s just one more reason to be insecure and, thus, to not write. I don’t need the added burden of the knowledge that anyone can write something underneath whatever I write, and—gee whiz, what types of things might they say, and how will they react (or not react) to this idea or that idea—all before I’ve even written a word.^[1] I don’t need it.

Because, the fact is, I’m not writing for a response. I’m writing for an experience. While I hope you do have some kind of reaction to what I write, I don’t really need you to tell me about it (or conspicuously not tell me about it) in a little box at the bottom of the page.

If you want to respond to something I’ve written, I’m always available by email (conlan at thisisconlan.com) or on social networks. Or you can write your own blog post about it. But I’m rejecting the implied obligation, false legitimacy, and annoying added pressure of blog comments.

I just don’t need it.

Plus, it weirds me out when my mom leaves comments.

1. If you’re wondering what the Part 1 of this post had to do with any of this, it’s right here: insecurity about the judgement of others reduces quantity and quality of blogging.

Even though I always had a blog, my updates were inconsistent. Sometimes I’d go months without a post. There were lots of reasons for this. For one thing, I didn’t know what I was writing about. Simply writing about whatever comes to mind seems like a wide-open playing field, but I found it limiting. When I could write about anything, why should I choose one thing over any other? And furthermore, I knew all you sick people in Internetland were judging me, tearing apart everything I wrote with malice aforethought, and mocking me for using terms like malice aforethought incorrectly.

Well, I thought, screw that.

Eventually, my posts dwindled to a trickle and furthermore I had more important things going on in my life, like a job and sleeping. But then one day in March 2008, as part of a gentleman’s agreement I made with a lady, I found myself in the position of having to blog about something. I didn’t feel like writing about anything, so I made something up. And my world-famous “Ask Conlan” segment (then called “Viewer Mail”), was born.

As historians will note, this was the turning point for my blog. It was the beginning of the Golden Age.^[1]

In addition to “Ask Conlan,” the following months also saw the introduction of fan favorites “This is Twittering” and Blinky the (non-blinking) Robot. Also, the Complete History of the Con, which no one else really seems to like, but I do. One of my personal favorites was the “Controversial Survey” that I answered perfectly, in four parts: one, two, three, and four.

I was also proud of this excerpt from my interview with Fresno Mayor Ashley Swearengin. The post itself isn’t particularly great, but what I love about it is that it’s 100% real. I was interviewing her for an actual publication, and for fun I asked about her favorite color. The transcript is verbatim. I don’t think many people realized that this was one of the few things on my blog that I didn’t make up.

But I’m digressing out the wazoo. Back to the task at hand…

Over the years, I kind of lost my absurdist edge. I didn’t post as much, and sometimes I’d write about serious stuff. It sucked. I started feeling the pressure that had made it hard for me to blog in those pre-Golden Age days. As a result, my blog has (again) suffered.

This month’s Daily Con experiment is one effort to reenergize my blogging self. But I’m also making another change. A change… that may shock you. A change that flies in the face of everything you hold dear as social media experts. That change is…

To be continued…^[2]

1. Technically, I used to refer to the months after I moved to San Francisco, when I wrote a blog called The Superfluous Apostrophe, as my Golden Age of blogging. My posts were relatively prolific and kind of interesting, so it was pretty cool. But that was a different time, a different blog, and a different Golden Age… but that gives me an idea. If I run out of things to write about this month, I’ll repurpose some of those old Golden Age posts here. If I do, please don’t tell anyone I’m cheating.
2. But also the change is turning off comments, like the title of this post implies and like I mentioned yesterday. I will explain more about my reasoning tomorrow, but I’ve already spent too many words today. I’ve got to pace myself if I’m going to make it through the whole month (which I probably won’t).

The good news is, I don’t know, the Bible or something. Who cares? You don’t care. You people don’t care about good stuff. You crave the misery of others. Bad news is what gets you out of bed in the morning, isn’t it, you sicko? You disgust me.

Anyway, the bad news (sicko) is that I’m embarking on another of my great blog experiments. If you’ve followed my blog for many years,^[1] then you know I like to, from time to time, Try Stuff. This month (AKA June 2011)^[2] I’m going to try to blog every day for the whole month. Thirty posts. They could be huge or just 50 words each. The point is to post something. I’m calling it The Daily Con.

Crazy? Yes. Stupid? Indubitably. Indubitably? What did I just say?

I appreciate your support during this difficult time. And by “support”, I don’t know what I mean because I’m also turning off comments (for reasons that will become less unclear when I explain my reasons to you later, but I can’t give away everything up front). If you must feedback to me, I’m available on social networks like Twitter and Facebook. Feel free to follow or friend me.

I call these experiments “experiments” because I never know what will happen. But I’m excited. Are you excited? I know you are. I can feel the excrement in the air. Let’s do this!

OK bye.

1. And no one really has, except maybe Nikko or Jordan, but I don’t even know if they still read it.
2. I’m doing it in June because my dead grandmothers’ names were June and Barbara, and there’s no month called Barbara… yet (spoiler alert).

And, since this is the season for giving, I want to give each and every one of you the opportunity to donate money to me using the handy “Donate” button on the right side of the page. Who knows? It might even encourage me to write things here more often.

In fact, it will. For instance, if you donate you will receive a thank you gift of words as follows.

Each gift comes with an official numbered e-certificate of authenticity suitable for printing out (at your own expense) and framing.

Do you have a topic you’ve just been itchin’ to choose? Then act now! This is a limited time offer, probably!

Happy Holidays.

P.S. The title of this post is short for “Curtis the Season,” a former professional wrestler of some note. Curtis “The Season” Gorkosky got his nickname because he came down on his opponents “with the brute force of a vernal equinox” according one breathless newspaper report in 1934. The name stuck and, when he retired from wrestling in 1951, Gorkosky founded the famous gift card company Season’s Greetings. The company went bankrupt in 1958 due its immense investment in the failed, ahead-of-its-time “I’m glad he’s dead” line of funeral cards (which is still an untapped greeting card market), yet to this very day the company name remains synonymous with wishing someone dead around the holidays.

1. My mom says my smiles are like gold, because they are rare and precious. So, you know, take that into account

Just kidding. I’m busy working on other stuff that will become apparent soon, as well as trying to make money. In the meantime, This is Conlan is resting while we get used to the new design. I will be back at some point. And it will be a sharp one. The point, I mean. Ouch.

Comment.

If you’re visiting after reading about me on Fresno Famous, welcome. This is Conlan is a welcoming community. Even more than the Unitarians. And according to the posters I used to see in the subway, Unitarians don’t care about anything! So, you know, that’s pretty welcoming. Although, I suppose now it seems I’m not very welcoming to Unitarians. But that’s not true. I love Unitarians… It’s the Unitarian Universalists that must be stopped!

Anyway. If I were a bilingual lawyer, I would say, “Mi casa es sue casa.” Get it? Hahaha, oh man. We love to laugh…

1. Hint: muscle spasms.