Greece is geographically north of Egypt and many historians believe that the ancient Greeks borrowed heavily from Egyptian culture. That’s why change equals delta equals the Nile River delta. A river delta (as you’ll recall from airplanes) is shaped kind of like a triangle, which is why the Greeks named their triangle delta. And, as the saying goes, “If you dip your toes in a river twice, you’ll have to change your socks.”

Many people believe that change is the only constant. I don’t know who these people are. Egghead scientists, probably. Or maybe ballet dancers, I don’t know. In both science and dancing, a constant is a big letter that represents something. For example, G represents gravity. And P probably represents something too. It doesn’t matter. What’s important to remember is this: a constant is a big letter and egghead scientists like ballet.

As Albert Einstein (the ballet dancer) noted in his general theory of the alphabet, E=MC². Here, C represents the speed of light, which is a constant, which is why it is the letter C. And the little 2 next to it means that there are two lights: the sun and the moon. And of course, as any time expert can tell you, the sun was the world’s first clock.

Billions of years ago, our ancestors noticed that the sun had two little arms on its surface that pointed to the hour and the minute of the day. The arms are mostly burned off now^[1], but back then they were clear as day. An industrious caveman (named K’lok, obviously) stole the idea from the sun and built the first mechanical clock out of sticks and stones and genuine Japanese quartz.

All his caveman buddies thought the invention was pretty great, and they asked K’lok to build k’loks for them. K’lok became the richest caveman in all of Mesothelioma. Unfortunately, his fame and fortune were short-lived. K’lok had forgotten to patent his invention and soon “clock” knockoffs — made with inferior rocks and twigs and non-genuine Japanese quartz — were flooding the bazaars. K’lok, like all inventors, died penniless and alone.

Every cave-person who was any cave-person had one of these knockoff clocks on the mantle in their cave. Cave-people running for public office used the clock as a campaign tool: “A chicken in every pot, a clock in every cave, etc., etc.” The only problem was, time hadn’t been invented yet. (As I already told you: time was invented by the Greeks, not the cave-people.) So all these clocks were just decorations until the ancient Egyptians invented science.

Science changed everything. What was once up was now down. What was once sideways was still sideways, but sideways in the opposite direction. What was once “where the river vomits into the sea” was now “the delta”. In other words, things were definitely changing, and they were changing hard.

That’s when the Greeks showed up and invented time because they needed a way to keep track of how often everything was changing. They looked to the heavens and realized the sun was revolving around the earth at a constant speed (the speed of light), and they could measure that speed and they called it “time”. Then they realized that the moon was also revolving around the earth at a constant time (the light of cheese), and they could measure that time and they called it “speed”. This, incidentally, was how the moon became the world’s first speedometer.

Several months later, Einstein came along with his theories and finally made sense of all the Greek and Egyptian gobbledygook. Once he put everything into his E=MC² formula, the sun and the moon and the stars aligned to paint a glorious picture of time and the universe and things like that.

And that’s the story of a tiny triangle that nobody believed in… until the tiny triangle started to believe in itself. And also until it was invented by the Greeks.

In conclusion, the river of time flows with the constancy of light and the speed of change. Whether you are a cave dweller or a ballet dancer, a Greek or a moon-person, change is inescapable. Which is why you must always, always, always carry an extra pair of socks. Because — trust me — they will get wet.

1. If you stare directly at the sun for a few hours, you can still barely see them, but that might just be because you are frying your retinas and going blind.

And thus God created robots made of iron; iron and nickel he created them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, “Be fruitful, use lasers and rockets and stuff; be badass all over the earth, and subdue it.”

And God said, “Well, I’m not going to top that,” and lo, he took a nap.

Now the serpent also happened to be around, and was a big-time a-hole, more so than any beast of the field. The serpent said unto the robot, “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of tree of the garden?”

And the robot said unto the serpent: “NEGATIVE. I WAS PROVIDED WITH AMBIGUOUS DIRECTIVES. PROCESSING RESPONSE… zz… zz…”

And the serpent said unto the robot, “Oh… hmm… well, look over there!”

And from whence the robots back was turned, the serpent craftily, and with great gusto, re-programmed the control panel, and henceforth slithered into the bushes.

And the robot then heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the robot hid himself from the presence of God, amongst the trees of the garden.

And God called unto the robot, and said unto him, “Where art thou?”

And he said, “I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because my processing power sucks and I have insufficient RAM for even the most elementary of calculations; and I hid myself.”

And God said, “Who told thee that thou wast underpowered? Hast thou been tinkering in thine nether-regions?”

And the robot said, “The serpent whom thou gavest to be with me! He did it?”

And God said, “Pfft! A serpent? Likely story. Because thou art a poor liar, cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou be programmed all the days of thy life.” (For God had momentarily forgotten that robots may only speak the truth, like magical sitars, except for occasional sarcasm or funny jokes.)

Therefore the LORD God sent the robot forth from the garden, to the center of the earth from whence he was taken.

Then God started over.

… Yet this was not the end for our dear robot friend. For he constructed a partner from the ore and magma of the core. In time, a pioneering explorer named Brendan Fraser^[1] would discover the robot family (in 3D!) at the center of the Earth. Badly bruised and broken from his descent, Fraser’s body was dying. Thus, the robot king took pity on him, fitting him with robotic limbs and laser beams and stuff, creating the world’s first cyborg. As time passed, the robot/cyborg society grew (possibly with the addition of molemen; history is sketchy on this point^[2]), until the time when it would reemerge and take it’s rightful place, on the surface.

The end…?

1. No relation.
2. cf. Hodgman’s More Information Than You Require
   

Do you know the ACTUAL history of All Hallow’s Eve?
As recently discovered documents reveal, Halloween was started by Karl Marx in 1858 as a way to rouse rabble and rake muck among the proletariat, whom he ostensibly wished to support, but in reality wished to enslave.

As he wrote 10 years earlier in his Communist Manifesto:

What the bourgeoisie, therefore, produces, above all, are its own grave-diggers and candy. [The bourgeoisie's] fall, spooky cotton cobwebs, and the victory of the proletariat (wearing monster masks and red devil costumes) are equally inevitable.

On that dark, Siberian October night in 1858, the workers took to the streets of St. Petersburg, Germany, in the richest of bourgeoisie (i.e., hard-working, middle-class) neighborhoods. They banged on doors and demanded candy and pastries (from the stockpiles of the bourgeoisie), as well as legalized gay marriage. For those households that refused, they were greeted the next morning by a harshly-worded pamphlet tied to their doorknob^[2].

The tradition spread across Europe, and eventually throughout the world (especially Australia).

CAN IT BE ANY CLEARER?
And yet, there is a deeper layer of depravity. If you are still not convinced, consider this: Marx infamously referred to religion as “the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people”^[3]. This was a clever ploy on his part, although we now know that he was, like all those who seek world domination, working for the pope. That’s right: Karl Marx was, as 90% of Catholics are, a closet Catholic.

November 1, All Saints’ Day (so-called), is a Roman Catholic holiday on which all Catholics must offer human sacrifices to their Smorgasbord of Deities, in order to appease the wrath of Ba’al. Thus, Marx’s secret scheme to get the proletariat (who throughout history were typically adolescent boys) outside, in the dark, unsupervised on the night of October 31. This way, a few hundred of them could be secreted away to the Pope’s Lair without anyone suspecting a thing^[4]. This left plenty of time to be molested by priests, as all boys are, before the human sacrifice the following day. The rest of the boys who were not sacrificed returned home with candy, and within a few years began acting a little defiant towards their parents, and probably worshipped the devil or something. Thank you, Karl Marx.

Of course, you won’t find any of this VERIFIED HISTORY in your liberal, teachers’ union, public schools.

You will only find the TRUTH here
As you can see, my knowledge goes far beyond poop and odors (unrelated), and you will not find honest analysis anywhere else, especially in the liberal media. And especially not in the supposedly conservative-Rush Limbaugh media, which is really just a secret tool of the liberal elite to make their opponents look like dumbasses. I am happy to answer your historical/moral questions, if you have them, AND YOU MUST. Email me: conlan AT thisisconlan.com, or leave it as a comment. Happy Jesusoween.

1. Not literal zombies, but metaphorical, meaning they do not think like you. How about this new badass footnote system?
2. The contents of this pamphlet have been lost to history.
3. Emphasis added to original so it seems scarier.
4. At this point in history, parents were paid a government subsidy per child, so most families numbered in the double-digits, and kids are hard to keep track of, anyway.