STUPID:

…More like the PBS SNOOZEhour with Gwen AWFUL.

This is really funny if you’re part of the 1% of people with the sensibilities that would make this funny. I enjoy writing for an extremely limited audience—sometimes it’s just me.

For the record, I really like the PBS NewsHour. But come on: Gwen Awful? That’s gold.

STUPID:

Hair is fleeting, but eyebrows are forever.

This popped into my head because I was reading about “permanent makeup” where people basically get tattoos of eyebrows. But it also works on a naturobiological^[1] level.

WORDPLAY:

If someone told you two parables that weren’t very compelling, I think a funny thing to say would be, “More like pair-o’-BULL!”

Because it’s a homophone.

STUPID:

Oh, great. I spilled the urine I was drinking all over my pants, and now it looks like I peed myself.

This one was pretty popular (i.e., it was retweeted a lot). Which made me happy because it’s a pretty good joke. I also like the idea of putting the punchline at the beginning.

WISDOM:

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be fat.

I put a new spin on this old Ben Franklin chestnut.

STUPID:

The next time I visit a famous cemetery, I’m going to send you a postcard that says, “Wish you were here!”

I had the idea for this joke a long time ago. I was going to actually make a fake postcard like this, but then I remembered that I’m too lazy to actually do stuff, so I wrote it instead. Don’t worry; it’s still funny.

WORDPLAY:

Commodities are so hot right now.

This is a joke about hot commodities.

STUPID:

I really want to get into the whole “raw food” thing, but this chicken tastes horrible is a joke I just said on Twitter.

This is a not very good, too-easy joke. And it’s not even timely.

REACTION:

A third of Iowa caucus voters say they’re still undecided.

I can understand that; I desperately want to be relevant, too.

This one is too cynical. I think it’s lazy and stupid to make assumptions about the motives of others. On the other hand: we all want to feel like we matter, don’t we?

STUPID:

I think you should treat others as you’d like to be treated, which is why I always offer to have sex with people.

I don’t really do this, nor do I want other people to do this.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

1. I made this word up.

Here’s the thing… I love Twitter. Like, a lot. I take it very seriously, which is why I mostly use it to make jokes. Sometimes I think this confuses people, so I want to explain how I use Twitter.

Before I get into it, I should point out: this is all subject to change without a moment’s notice. The way I use Twitter (and my blog and email and pens/paper) is always evolving. Priorities are always changing. And I think that’s the way it should be. But this is the way I see it right now.

For better or worse, I prefer to use Twitter as a creative outlet, not a social network. I use Twitter for creativity; I use Facebook for communication.^[1]

Power & Responsibility

Currently, around 775 people follow me on Twitter. That certainly isn’t breaking any records, but it’s still 775 people who have given me their trust by explicitly choosing to read what I have to say. They trust me to write something worth reading, and—presumably—they find some value in the things I write (or they wouldn’t follow me).

It may seem silly to view Twitter followership as a “trust”, but that’s how I see it. And, while I don’t try to conform to others’ expectations, I do try to create an account that I’d want to follow. I try to write things that I would want to read.

Let’s be clear: there’s a lot of crap on Twitter. Between the Justin Bieber teeny-boppers, the hashtag fanatics, and the illiterate masses, the majority of Twitter is essentially unreadable. But there are also a lot of high-quality users who are a joy to follow. Thankfully, we can choose to follow these funny, informative, or otherwise interesting people and avoid the nonsense.

In an effort to be more like these better-quality Twitterers, I usually try to be funny. If I can’t do that, I try to say something interesting or original. I don’t always succeed at this, but—at the very least—I want to write something that won’t be considered a complete waste of your two seconds.

This is one of my main goals in life: I aspire to not waste your time.

Conversations

This gets trickier when dealing with conversations and @ replies.

Many people use Twitter to have conversations^[2] with other people, @-replying back and forth. That’s a perfectly legitimate way to use Twitter, especially if the conversations are interesting to more than just those two people. But that’s not how I use Twitter.

People wonder why I often use private direct messages (DMs) to communicate with them, rather than posting publicly viewable @ replies. It’s because most conversations don’t meet my self-imposed criteria for being funny, interesting, or original.

My rule for conversations is this: if I’m saying something to an individual that is only intended for that person (and I don’t think it would benefit anyone else to read it), then I send it as a DM (or I don’t send it at all). Responses like “thanks”, “you’re welcome”, “yes”, “no”, or “good joke, dude” don’t need to take up valuable space in other people’s Twitter streams.

Some people reserve DMs for things that definitely shouldn’t be seen by anyone else; the rest can be seen by the public. I use DMs for stuff that wouldn’t be interesting to anyone else; only interesting things should be public.

I once replied to someone’s comment on Twitter by sending a DM that said, “Yes”. The person remarked that it was a “weird DM”. To me, it would have been weirder if I sent it as a public reply. I don’t like the idea of others seeing my personal conversations. I don’t even like talking loudly in restaurants. Ultimately, I’m just trying to respect other people’s time and attention.

I Don’t (Necessarily) Hate You

My goal in explaining all this isn’t to tell anyone how they should use Twitter. I just want to provide an explanation for people who get confused when I don’t make public small talk on Twitter (or when I send “weird” DMs).

Please believe me when I say this: from the bottom of my heart, I do not care how you use Twitter. If I see a benefit to following you on Twitter, I will.^[3] If I don’t, I won’t. That’s not a threat or a personal affront; it’s just basic economics. I expect other people to treat me the same way. And that’s why I try to provide as much value as I can by being funny, interesting, or original.

So, that’s how I use Twitter. Pretentiously.

1. This is one of the reasons I like Twitter so much more than Facebook.
2. “How are you doing?” “I’m fine. How are you?” “Pretty good. What are you doing tonight?” “Probably nothing. I have diarrhea.” Etc.
3. Although, even then, maybe not. I can only process so much information on Twitter. I don’t follow everyone I might enjoy following, simply because I get overwhelmed by so many toots.

STUPID:

Did you know? The candy cane colors represent the friendship of Native Americans and European settlers. And the shape represents old people.

There’s so much symbolism all around us, if we’d only look.

WORDPLAY:

My peppermint bark is worse than my bagel bite.

I wonder if this would have been better with “peppermint bite” instead of “bagel bite”. But I wanted to go for realism. Truth in comedy.

(That concludes the Holiday Treats Toots section of this episode.)

WORDPLAY:

Humans are mere mortals, but half-fish-half-humans are mere mer-mortals.

This is dumb.

STUPID:

If you tell someone something, and they incredulously ask, “Really?”, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Really as a heart attack.”

This is funny.

WISDOM:

People really appreciate honesty if you honestly tell them what they want to hear.

This is the truth.

STUPID:

Revenge is a dish best served with one of those really tiny forks.

And make sure you chew revenge well. I recommend at least 18 chews per bite.

STUPID:

Babies are like sports cars: they’re fun to play with for a little while, but I don’t think the Japanese ones are as good as the others.

I thought this one was pretty good. It’s funny because everyone knows Japanese babies are better than other kinds.

STUPID/WISDOM:

I saw a man playing chess with his dog.

I said, “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen!”

“I’m so lonely,” said the man.

If you know the old joke, this one is an unexpected variation. If you don’t know the old joke, this is just heartbreaking and poignant. You should really retweet this one.

REACTION:

Photos of coastlines should always be shot facing north. Otherwise I get disoriented.

When I see a photo of a beach with the Pacific Ocean on the right side and land on the left side, I get dizzy. North is north for a reason: because God said so.

STUPID:

If you don’t want me to let all the air out of your tires, don’t tell me you’re “under too much pressure”.

What was I *supposed* to do?

This barely makes sense.

REACTION:

It’s seems like people who know a lot about something don’t know very much about everything.

Because even smart people are stupid.

STUPID:

If you ever give a tour of your house, when you get to your bedroom, a funny thing to say would be, “This is where the magic happens.”

Everyone would think it’s really hilarious, I bet.

That concludes this episode.

WISDOM:

Just because I don’t care, that doesn’t mean I don’t disapprove.

Actually, it does mean that. It also means I don’t approve. I just don’t care. Stop bothering me about it.

STUPID:

Too Big to Smell: The Inside Story of How Speed Stick and Right Guard Fought to Deodorize America—and Themselves

This is overreaching. “Too big to smell” was funny to me, though.

WORDPLAY:

If you eat really good tri-tip, a funny thing to say would be, “Tri-tip? More like SUCCEED-tip!”

But don’t say “Fail-tip”. That’s stupid.

Homophones…

Also, I’m tired of people describing things with the word fail. But that’s probably because of my automatic, irrational rejection of most anything that’s unoriginal. To me, originality—and thus a sense of surprise—is one of the most important parts of creativity. It bothers me when people trade on other people’s ideas to get an emotional response from an audience. Of course, it’s impossible to not do that, which is why my response is irrational (or hypocritical, if you don’t really know what hypocritical means).

WISDOM:

My worldview perfectly explains everybody’s motivations except my own.

Speaking of hypocrisy: Why are we always compelled to make exceptions for ourselves (and our friends) when we talk about what’s wrong with the world? I think it’s because, despite our best efforts, we can never really believe that other people are as complex as we are.

STUPID:

The world is your oyster and oysters are aphrodisiacs and no means no and just leave me alone, OK?

This construction is called, “The Energizer Bunny That Eventually Dies”.

REACTION:

I always wait until the last possible moment to put my pants on.

…before I jump out of the airplane.

STUPID:

If you knew a guy named Martin who passed gas a lot, I think a good nickname for him would be “Gas-Passin’ Gary”.

After I posted this, someone on Twitter helpfully pointed out that “Fartin’ Martin” would be a better nickname.

I’m going to level with you guys: I had already thought of that. My first thought actually was “Fartin’ Martin”. But I assumed^[1] that joke had already been made. So I pulled a switcheroo to make it more unexpected and original. And that was the joke. Are you beginning to understand me?

STUPID:

My favorite kind of backwards is ass-backwards.

This doesn’t mean anything.

WISDOM:

I’m not as good-looking as I think, because I’m not as smart as I look.

I like verbal gymnastics like this, especially when it makes sense. If you’re not smart, then you don’t think well, so if you think you’re good-looking, you’re probably wrong—even if you look smart.

WISDOM:

You can tell a lot about a person by their handshake. For instance, I could tell that the guy I just met had at least one hand.

You only get one impression to make a first chance.

WISDOM:

Bread is just toast that isn’t done yet.

If there’s a bread in the world that can’t be improved by some light toasting, I haven’t found it.

STUPID:

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the one where he caught a bullet with his teeth.

Seriously, how did he DO that?

I wish I would’ve left off the second sentence. It would have been subtler and, I think, funnier.

WORDPLAY:

You’re wearing out. You’re welcome.

See, this is funny because I took a common phrase and changed the punctuation.

WISDOM:

Only the good die young, which is why no one likes old people.

This one was really popular. A lot of people retweeted it. I assume because old people suck so much.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

1. And I confirmed it through a Google search.

STUPID:

I can’t believe Regis quit so soon after taking over for Oprah. It’s like Jack Parr on Nightline all over again.

This doesn’t really make sense. It’s just a lot of pop culture references that may or may not be related, and may or may probably not be true.

WORDPLAY:

Sometimes: not always.

Some times: 11:03 p.m., 4:21 a.m.

Sum times: 9:38 a.m. + 5:19 p.m., 12:22 a.m. + 7:56 p.m. + 9:00 p.m.

BEHOLD! OUR AMAZING ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

REACTION:

Referring to your non-baby teeth as “permanent” is a little too optimistic, I think.

Same deal with “permanent” markers. When my sister was two and I was seven, I drew a very pleasant picture on her face—some flowers and a sunset and things like that—but it only lasted for a couple years. I complained to Sharpie, but they didn’t care.

WORDPLAY:

I don’t want to offend anyone, so I’m always sure to say, “I’ll Ms. you.”

I’m offended by the abbreviation Mrs. because there is no “R” sound when you say it (as far as I can tell).

REACTION:

CONLAN INTERNET FAME WATCH 11/15/11: Nothing yet.

CONLAN INTERNET FAME WATCH 12/16/11: Still nothing. What is wrong with you people?? Please RT.

REACTION:

Remember when “The Situation” got so riled up he slammed HIS OWN HEAD into a concrete wall, sending himself to the hospital?

Pure poetry.

This really happened. I don’t watch Jersey Shore, but I watch The Soup and I saw it for myself. How great is that? It’s always fun to see stupid jerks do things that hurt themselves, but it rarely happens with such elegance. What is the stupidest way for a person to get a concussion? Purposely slamming your head into a concrete wall has to be at the top of the list.

STUPID:

Sometimes humanity really disappoints me. But then I remember that someday our species will be extinct.

So, catch-22.

This doesn’t make sense.

REACTION:

Sometimes my job makes me feel like a whore.

But there’s no way around it: cuddling costs extra.

This is just a joke. I’m not actually a prostitute, technically speaking.

REACTION:

I don’t have enough self-confidence to be an alcoholic.

Whenever I see people get really drunk and obnoxious in public, I can’t help but admire their self-assuredness. It must be nice to care more about getting drunk than to care about looking like an idiot. Good for them.

REACTION:

Really smart people are too eager to show off how smart they are, whereas really stupid people are too eager to show off how smart they are.

I’m so smart.

STUPID:

Just so you know: I’m completely naked under all this hair.

I’m pretty hairy, but not hairy enough for it to be, like, “my thing”. I’m in a furry no man’s land between babies’ butts and Bigfoots.

WISDOM:

If you time-travel to the past and kill your own grandfather, he probably deserved it.

Because he was probably a jerk.

STUPID:

Whenever I see someone who’s struggling and needs a little help, I can’t help but think, “There but for the grace of God go fuck yourself.”

I apologize for the profanity, but it’s the only way this joke would have worked. And I think it works quite well. The shock of the punchline contrasts nicely with the warm feelings of the lead-up. Anything less than “fuck” would’ve felt like a cop-out^[2] and it wouldn’t have worked.

That’s all.

1. Or whatever.
2. Not that I’m totally opposed to cop-outs.

A few months ago, I started making jokes on Twitter with this construction: “If [something happens], I think a funny thing to say would be, “[some punchline—usually a groaner].”

I like this construction because it’s a cop-out. I’m not saying the joke is funny; I’m just saying that it would be funny. But even if the joke isn’t funny, the overall statement—because of the way it’s phrased—becomes funny because then it’s ironic.

Now you know all my secrets.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of ‘em:

When someone asks you three questions in a row, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Geez, what is this, Three Questions or something?”

See, instead of 20 Questions. I think would really be funny.

If you’re reminiscing with someone about a really loud party, I think a funny thing to say would be, “A good time was heard by all.”

This wouldn’t really be that funny, but the idea of “reminiscing about a really loud party” is funny to me.

If you were talking to someone who said they were an “expert”, I think a funny think to say would be, “Really? Why’d you quit?”

See, because of the “ex”. I think this would really be funny.

If somebody asks if you’re married and you’re not, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I’m one of the least married people I know!”

I like this one because it doesn’t make sense, yet it’s completely irrefutable.

If you were really frustrated, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Good news, everybody: I can’t take it anymore.”

This is funny because that’s not really good news. On the other hand, it might be.

If someone tells you that asparagus makes your urine smell funny, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I’ll believe it when I pee it!”

As an offhand remark, this would be amusing. But here I’m suggesting you premeditate such a remark, which would make it less amusing, but the idea that someone actually would plan it is the funny part. See? Cop-out.

If you have to ask someone how to spell a simple word, I think a funny thing to add would be, “…*I* know, but I’m asking for a friend.”

This is another one I’d like in real life. See, it’s funny because, if you knew the spelling, you’d just tell your friend without having to ask someone else.

If you run into someone you don’t like, but they’re stylishly dressed, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Lookin’ good, asshole.”

This isn’t so much funny as it is true.

If you’re getting acupuncture, I think a funny thing to say would be, “What a prick.”

Quiet at first, but then loudly and repeatedly.

Thinking about this situation makes me laugh. The idea of mumbling (and then shouting) things while someone sticks needles in you is funny on it’s own, but I think this is the perfect thing to mumble (and then shout).

If you have to tell someone about a murder, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I have some good news and some murder news.”

This is funny because it’s weird.

If you were annoyed about something, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Who can I sue about this?”

This would be funny, because lots of people apparently do think this without saying it. Which is why it’s funny.

If you’re giving someone the option of how to be hanged, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I have some good noose and some bad noose.”

This isn’t funny.

If someone tells you that something is invisible, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Oh, I see.”

I think this is funny. Because of the metaphors we live by.

If you had an identical twin named Adam, I think a funny thing to say to people would be, “You don’t know me from Adam!”

This is funny because it’s true.

If you’re at a Rolling Stones cover band concert and they ask for requests, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I demand Satisfaction!”

No.

If you were Conlan, I think a funny thing to say would be, “If I had a nickel for every #MidnightDump, it would be a joke about two things.”

This is a joke about me. And also it’s a “funny thing to say” joke. It’s about two things.

If you were really adamant about changing your hair color, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I want to try dyeing or die trying.”

I like this one.

If you wanted to encourage a performer before a show, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Break a leg or I’ll break it for you.”

Positive and negative reinforcement^[1]. I think it could really work. Truth in comedy.

WORDPLAY:

For a psychic at an optical illusion exhibit, a funny thing to say would be, “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not what it looks like.”

Get it?

That concludes this extra-special episode of the thing where I talk about stuff.

1. Encouragement is not actually positive reinforcement.

STUPID:

Retweets speak louder than words.

This is a clever new twist on the old adage, “Actions speak louder than words.” But the part I like about it is, it’s totally true.

STUPID:

Being a defeatist isn’t as kick-ass as it sounds.

Maybe it doesn’t sound very kick-ass, I don’t know.

WISDOM:

The enemy of my enemy is probably an asshole too.

I generally find that people who define themselves in opposition to something—rather than in support of something else—tend to be assholes. I know I am.

WORDPLAY:

I expect big things from you, but I expectorate even bigger things from me.

Seriously, you should see this stuff.

STUPID:

PRAY FOR TWITTER.

I don’t really know why I tooted this. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

REACTION:

Typing a quotation mark as two apostrophes is something that some people actually do.

People are interesting.

WISDOM:

When people say “there are two sides to every story”, they usually just want you to stop paying attention to the side that isn’t theirs.

There are three sides to every story. And none of them are true.

WISDOM:

The thing about homeopathic “medicine” is, for it to work, it’d have to violate every known law of biology, chemistry, and physics.

In many cases, not a single molecule of the “active ingredient”^[1] remains in the final solution of homeopathic remedies. Seriously, look it up. You’re better off praying or saying a magical incantation (God and Gaia don’t want you to give your money to swindlers). You still might get a placebo effect and you’ll be saving cash, which you can send to me (God and Gaia are OK with that).

REACTION:

I don’t like when a woman tries to act like “one of the guys”. Not because women shouldn’t act like men, but because nobody should.

Guys are gross.

REACTION:

There’s nothing so refreshing as fresh-brewed iced tea. There’s nothing so defreshing as “instant” iced tea from concentrate.

We can put a man on Mars, but we can’t abolish this abomination? Way to go, humanity.

WISDOM:

A stranger is just a friend who won’t tell you that you have bad breath yet.

The good news is, you just made a new friend.

WORDPLAY:

You really screwed the pooch when you started taking every idiom literally.

Poor dog. It has no money.

STUPID:

Whenever I see a really cute little kid, I just want to punch them in their cute little face (out of appreciation).

Maybe this is inaccurate. Maybe I just want to punch something. Haven’t you ever been overcome by so much genuine cuteness that it made you angry? I have.

STUPID:

Howdy, y’all!

Just kidding. I don’t talk like that.

So don’t even be trippin’.

REACTION:

Every time I see a box of a certain size, I can’t help but think: there’s a severed human head in there.

This doesn’t really have to do with the movie Seven.^[2] It just seems like some boxes were made for heads. Ring boxes were made for rings and head boxes were made for heads. It’s science.

STUPID:

The cornstalks were as high as an elephant’s eye and as thick as an elephant’s… trunk.

Good save, Conlan.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

1. I use the term loosely, because there’s usually no evidence that the active ingredients actually help with anything. And it’s usually in such small quantities that it’s literally impossible for it to have any affect on you.
2. I tooted this before I saw the great swede at Swede Fest.

REACTION:

QUESTION AUTHORITY.

No, no. Not *that* authority. The other one *over there*.

How dare you question me when I tell you to question people who tell you things.

REACTION:

Like I always say, “Ask a stupid question, get a legitimate answer.”

I do this sometimes when people ask me stupid questions. And maybe legitimate answers are the stupidest answers of all.

REACTION:

Eyewitness accounts are great at gauging emotions, but not great at determining facts. Trust me: *I was there*.

Everybody knows that eyewitness testimony isn’t the best kind of evidence, except when it’s their own eyewitness testimony being called into question.^[1] It’s been scientifically demonstrated time and time again: we don’t pay attention. The question is, how do we know the scientists aren’t misremembering the results of their experiments? I guess we just have to take it on authority.

WORDPLAY:

You’re so vane, I bet you think the direction the wind is blowing is about you.

Weathervanes are useful tools for determining which direction a rooster is facing.

REACTION:

Tip for sounding smart: just add that which includes a lot of extra other words around what in the sentence you are in the act of writing.

…and…

But at the same time, leave out words you assume everybody knows mean, like prepositions and pronouns, because saves time take nap.

These are things that some people do. I’m pretty sure the former happens as a way by which the writer wishes to seem, quid pro quo, more intelligent than one might assume that same person to be. I admit, it’s fun to write like that. But it’s not a good idea if your goal is to be understood.

The latter happens when writers write exactly how they speak. When speaking, a lot of grammatical meaning is expressed through inflection, allowing us to drop words. For example, “Are you going the store?” becomes “Going to the store?” and the hearer knows what that means. Again, writing like this isn’t a good idea if your goal is to be understood. And the primary goal of most writing should be to be understood, not to sound “smart”.

REACTION:

“Link; don’t stink.”

This is my internet attribution motto.

Internet plagiarism makes me mad.^[2] A lot of news-ish sites like to post bits of news or videos or whatevers without giving a hat tip to where they found it. I don’t like this, either. I don’t even like it when someone toots song lyrics or inspirational quotes without quotation marks. I’m pretty uptight, I guess. But how about giving credit where it’s due?

STUPID:

Semicolons are so pretentious.

No, they aren’t. I think they’re useful punctuation, along with colons and dashes. In my previous toot, neither a period nor a comma provided effect I wanted. Ergo: T.G.I. Semicolon.

WISDOM:

Everyone wants to be an iconoclast until their own icons are the ones being o’clasted.

This goes along with questioning authority. No one really wants to change their own point of view; they want to change other people’s. It’s just how our brains are wired. The irony is, our brains are also wired to hold tighter to our own beliefs when they are attacked. Extremism begets extremism. So, we’re all doomed. But don’t despair: it’s always been this way (hat tip: God).

By the way, did you know that “o’clasted” isn’t really a word? Pretty funny, huh? I’m so clever.

WISDOM:

We’d probably be a lot smarter if we weren’t so worried about being clever.

Shit.

REACTION:

This is why we can’t have nice clichés.

But clichés make the world go round. All work and no cliché makes Jack a dull boy. Let’s give credit where cliché is due. Clichés are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I’ll believe it when clichés fly.

And so on and so cliché.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

1. When there’s a high-profile murder trial in the news, people like to talk about how circumstantial evidence is better than eye-witness testimony. And that’s often true, but it’s only true because a lot of eyewitness testimony is essentially worthless.
2. Fortunately, I’m not popular enough to be plagiarized.

REACTION:

I have to respect KFC for not having any healthy options on the menu. There’s a reason it’s called KFC. The F stands for “Eff you, hippie!”

I was on a road trip with my friend and we stopped at a KFC drive-thru for dinner. I’ve been trying to eat healthier, so I wanted a grilled chicken sandwich. Or a grilled anything without a side of cholesterol. Nope.

STUPID:

As an expert in such things, I feel qualified to tell you that I am an expert.

Self-proclaimed experts may be real experts, but they’re definitely real annoying to be around. Every true expert I’ve met has been less concerned with being thought of as an expert, and more concerned with improving in their area of expertise.

WISDOM:

You may not understand how I can simultaneously respect people and think they’re stupid. But, to me, this seems like the only sane approach.

This is pretty much my guiding principle of life. We suck but we’re all we have.

WISDOM:

Blaming other people for your problems is usually a valid reaction to reality and also a great way to never solve any problems.

Just shut up, everybody. Gee whiz. Read a book for a change. I hate everything so much.

STUPID:

It’s like I always say, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re not looking the mirror.”

See, because you’re ugly.^[1]

WISDOM:

I don’t like discussing politics, because even the people I agree with are wrong.

More about hating people? I’m such a jerk. But this is true, and it’s why I have a hard time hating any group of people for what they think (i.e., participating in the political process). Because, to me, how you believe something—your thought process (or lack thereof)—is way more important that what you believe.^[2] No political ideology has a monopoly on irrationality.

WISDOM:

Anyone who says “think outside the box” is clearly not.

Think outside the clichés, guys.

Gosh, these have been pretty cynical and preachy so far. We need a stupid joke about nuts or something.

STUPID:

Pistachios are nature’s peanuts.

That’s better. Also, this is not strictly true.

STUPID:

It’s like I always say, “Expectations are like assholes: they don’t live up to the hype.”

I always say a lot of things. It’s a free country.

WISDOM:

Here’s a tip for being cool: instead of saying “bring it on” (which is stupid), say “bring it” (which is awesome).

Go back to Russia, Kirstie Dunts.

WISDOM:

Lord, beer me beer.

I was so proud when I googled this and found out no one in the history of language had ever said it. It seems so obvious. Which is why it’s so good.

WISDOM:

A good rule for everyday living: ask yourself, would it piss me off if everyone in society behaved the way I’m behaving?

If so, stop.

More preachiness. But really, what makes you so special that you should be allowed to act like that? No one is special. Everyone is the 99% or whatever. Quit being assholes. They don’t live up to the hype.

WORDPLAY:

Will you be my friend? I’m asking for a friend.

Literally, see? I’m asking for a friend. Good one, Conlan.

REACTION:

Personal ad: SWM who likes to have fun, just looking for a partner in crime.

(Kidnapping. Definitely extortion, possibly murder. You in?)

Personal ads are dumb and full of clichés. Everyone “likes to have fun”. A “partner in crime” is not a thing. Come on, guys. Think outside the box.

WISDOM:

Most people who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is also aren’t afraid to tell it like it isn’t.

Be more afraid.

WORDPLAY:

Tsunamis have jumped the shark.

No, not literally. That’s not how tsunamis work. I mean it idiomatically.

Those sharks must be having a fun time, though.

WORDPLAY:

I have nothing to hide but hide itself.

This is a play on the famous FDR quote where he said, “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and enough already with the internet memes, Harry.”

STUPID:

The only good Irishman is a dead Irishman.

I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Some of my best friends are dead.

This is a very good joke.

REACTION:

I don’t think “I don’t think that means what you think it means” means what you think it means.

I have a bias against unoriginality. Quoting movie lines seems like the most unoriginal thing a person can do to seem funny. It’s a peeve of mine. I know there’s nothing wrong with it, objectively. But it just grates on me.

Clearly, clichés are one of this episode’s themes.

REACTION:

I don’t mind social media experts as much as I mind people who listen to social media experts.

“Experts” are another theme.

Because “experts” tell you to do things like this:

REACTION:

Top 10 Bullshit Headline Gimmicks That Get You Pageviews While Wasting Your Readers’ Time

Click here to read more.

The legitimacy of gimmicks like this is debatable, but—to me—it’s lazy, bordering on manipulative. I’ll always favor quality content over cynical tricks.

REACTION:

Nobody seems more upset by “hipsters” than people who are about 1.5 Urban Outfitters purchases away from being one themselves.

Why do people get so annoyed by groups of people who are different than they are (or who they want to be different than they are)? I don’t care if you’re a hipster; I care how you’re a hipster.

WORDPLAY:

Fishermen are great at networking.

I hate networking.

STUPID:

Quality, not quantity, and also quantity.

Expectations are like assholes, remember?

Speaking of assholes:

REACTION:

I had to park like an asshole because someone else had already parked like an asshole: The Asshole Domino Effect.

This is just my rationalization for bad behavior.

WISDOM:

My sense of superiority comes from my recognition that everyone sucks.

This is mostly true.

WISDOM:

The best things in life are stupid.

This is completely true.

WISDOM:

The right answer to a yes/no question is almost always “maybe”.

Yes or no?

WISDOM:

If you wear your heart on your sleeve, don’t be surprised when people mistake it for boogers.

This may seem profound, but it’s not.

That concludes this episode of whatever this is.

1. You’re not really ugly. Odds are, you’re average.
2. Usually, you can’t determine a person’s thought process through sound bites.

WISDOM:

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: I am sick of people always complaining about anything that I don’t also want to complain about.

Nobody likes a complainer. But everybody loves complaining.

Speaking of which…

WISDOM:

Keep in mind: the insensitive things I say to your face are actually much nicer than the stuff other people say about you behind your back.

I’m annoyed when people say mean things about other people. It’s often harmless, but it makes me uncomfortable. Especially because it’s so ubiquitous. It would be naive to think that the people I would complain with—about pretty much everyone else—wouldn’t also complain about me when I left.

That’s why I try to not say bad things about people behind their back. This is usually OK because I don’t have a lot of bad stuff to say about people, individually^[1]. I’m not saying I never join in the tittle-tattle, but I try not to.

At the same time, I’m not the most refined when it comes to dealing with other people. Sometimes, when I react less than enthusiastically in social situations, I think I may seem rude. And the imbalance struck me as funny: I may seem like more of a jerk than someone else because I’m not as deferential in person, but I may actually be less of a jerk because of how I act when they’re not around.

This is all very self-congratulatory, but that’s the origin of this particular toot. Also, I really am just that awesome.

WISDOM:

You guys, listen: I love you all very much—deeply and profoundly.

But also, I’m sick of you.

See what I mean? Right to your face.

WORDPLAY:

I like it when people say “all of the sudden…” Why does everyone else have to be so wishy-washy about it?

This is a joke about a malapropism and definite vs. indefinite articles.

REACTION:

I often type a response to someone’s toot, but delete it because I think, what’s the point?

Same deal w/ getting out of bed in the morning.

…and…

STUPID:

I delete getting out of bed in the morning.

I don’t really delete getting out of bed in the morning. On the other hand, what’s the point?

WORDPLAY:

I have some good news and some nude goose.

(The good news is, the feathers were easy to pluck.)

The goose is nude.

STUPID:

If I had a nickel for every time I stabbed you in the eye with a salad fork, I’d be getting a nickel in about 30 seconds.

Because I am going to stab you in the eye with a salad fork in about 30 seconds.

STUPID:

If I had a nickel for every time you said something dumb, I’d put them in a sock and beat you with it.

And it would hurt, because there would be a lot of nickels in there.

STUPID:

If I had a nipple for every time I used the incorrect word in an aphorism, I’d be a rich man.

See, instead of nickel.

WORDPLAY:

I can’t take much less of this.

See, instead of more.

REACTION:

I wish newscasters wouldn’t try to have personalities.

For reals, yo. You don’t need to tell me that sick children are sad or cute puppies are cute. And for the love of all that is newsy—unless you’re Brian Williams—don’t try to be funny.

WORDPLAY:

I do more before 11 p.m. than most people do all day.

This isn’t true, probably. But I definitely do less before 6 a.m. than most people do all day.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

1. Note: individually. In general, I could spend hours telling you why you, me, and everybody else sucks. Almost all of my complaints about other individuals can be abstracted to include nearly everyone else (sometimes in unexpected ways).