This is Conlan » Internets http://thisisconlan.com I'm a writer of words, and these are some words that I wrote. Tue, 21 May 2013 19:03:43 +0000 en-US hourly 1 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 76 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/09/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-76/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/09/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-76/#comments Thu, 09 May 2013 22:18:15 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2887 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WORDPLAY:

Silent G’s are funny. (I’m talking about taciturn gangsters.)

WISDOM:

This is true. We’re all stupider and smarter than we were or will be, so how about let’s cut each other some slack, OK?

WISDOM:

This is funny because it’s true.

WISDOM:

This is funny because it’s true.

STUPID:

This is funny because it’s not true. (I have no connection to the Spangler Candy Company.)

WORDPLAY:

In a way, that’s even more impressive.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/09/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-76/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 75 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/21/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-75/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/21/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-75/#comments Fri, 22 Mar 2013 06:26:21 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2844 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, and then other stuff, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. This one is mostly about Election 2012. So we’re about four months removed. I actually prefer commenting on current events long after they’ve happened. I think it allows for more objectivity, which I like. Unfortunately it also means no one cares about them anymore. It’s a pickle.

REACTION:

Must be election season. (It was.) This is true, by the way — just ask my shrink.

REACTION:

Fancy that.

WISDOM:

Almost never.

STUPID:

I was just kidding. It was the election results.

WISDOM:

I tweeted this on Election Day, so it was funny.

STUPID:

I haven’t checked… With 2012 out of the way, what’s the new odds-on favorite for when the world is going to end in the next few years?

WISDOM:

This is funny because it is ironic.

WORDPLAY:

This isn’t really wordplay, because each word here has just one meaning and is used correctly. But I like the elegance of the point. It’s funny because it’s true.

WORDPLAY:

This one is wordplay. I switched the letters, see, and then back-formed the premise to make a stupid pun. It’s funny because it’s stupid.

REACTION:

I do not like the United States Postal Service.

WISDOM:

My favorite part of this is the “and you’re also a jerk.”

STUPID:

I don’t think this makes sense.

REACTION:

Today’s TIT:MCD was brought to you by People Being Dumb for Thinking Other People Are Dumb.™

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, dummy.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/21/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-75/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 74 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/28/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-74/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/28/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-74/#comments Thu, 28 Feb 2013 19:42:51 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2811 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then later I explain them here (or usually just make more jokes), and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WISDOM:

And when it does, I’ll say, “See? I told you so.”

REACTION:

I don’t remember what was on TV opposite the baseball game. Some awards show, I guess. The point is, this applies to everything on TV always.

STUPID:

This is stupid.

WORDPLAY:

This is a play on a Garth Brooks song. But seriously, who makes phone “calls” anymore?

WISDOM:

10/11/12. This is true. People like to make connections between unconnected things, and other people like to complain about it when that happens. I think both groups are missing the point of being human.

STUPID:

I did think about it, and it is, but I don’t know exactly why.

REACTION:

I like that “exploiting mental illness” doesn’t start with “L”. But seriously, have you guys watched TLC lately? There has to be a theory somewhere on the internet about how, given enough time, every cable channel — whether it began as science, history, music, or movies — will eventually transform into a Kafka-esque farce.

WISDOM:

One thing we can all agree on: the other side is wrong. And probably evil. And definitely stupid. I just hate them so much.

WORDPLAY:

Do you see why this would be funny?

WORDPLAY:

(In case you did’t see why this would be funny.)

WISDOM:

It’s an interesting phenomenon to share or not share someone’s “sensibilities”. What are sensibilities? They’re pretty ephemeral. But I know them when I see them. And I hate them.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. Speaking of episodes, you should episode my my Kickstarter campaign to write a book called Mostly Lies. Thanks!

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/28/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-74/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 73 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/20/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-73/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/20/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-73/#comments Wed, 20 Feb 2013 16:01:51 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2789 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then later I explain them here (or usually just make more jokes), and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WISDOM:

I think this one is very, very funny. One of my top 200 tweets ever, definitely.

STUPID:

This makes no sense.

WORDPLAY:

This is funny because it’s religious.

REACTION:

It’s both. We’re all playing a character, aren’t we? But the character we’re most playing is ourselves. Know what I mean? It’s like, if someone were to play you in a movie, you know who could play you best? Morgan Freeman, probably.

REACTION:

I wrote this after seeing a lady turn left into oncoming traffic, almost getting smashed to smithereens. People are all just zipping around in these giant, heavy hunks of metal all day long, and people — as you know — are giant screw-ups. Plus, all the tweeting while driving. I can’t believe we haven’t already driven ourselves to extinction (PUN INTENDED!).

WISDOM:

Think about it.

WORDPLAY:

I don’t know if this one makes sense, but it’s funny because murder jokes are funny.

WISDOM:

This isn’t much of a joke, but it is a stirring, poignant sentiment.

REACTION:

I hate customer loyalty cards. Don’t make me play asinine games to earn “rewards”. How about you just try to earn my loyalty with good prices and great service? I was a loyal Walgreens customer for years precisely because they didn’t have one of those stupid clubs. Ever since they introduced one last year, I’ve significantly reduced my shopping there. I’m an edge case, I’m sure, but seriously, screw them! I don’t want to have to scrutinize the weekly ads and shelf tags to determine which products are the “right” ones to buy for their stupid game. And I resent the implication that I should be doing that. Bastards.

WORDPLAY:

This is a dumb pun, which I call a “punmb”. Or a “dumbn”.

WISDOM:

Here’s the thing about summing up a TV show in one line: they pretty much all sound stupid. The one-line premise description is about the least accurate indicator of a show’s quality. Some of my most favorite shows sound dumb on paper. Some of yours do too. I would give you some examples here, but I’m still all worked up about those damn loyalty cards. I’m just gonna stop now.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. Speaking of conclusions, you should conclude to check out (and subsequently pledge money to) my Kickstarter campaign to write a book called Mostly Lies. Thanks!

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/20/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-73/feed/ 0 This is Twittering, Episode 72: Valentine’s Edition http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/13/this-is-twittering-episode-72-valentines-edition/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/13/this-is-twittering-episode-72-valentines-edition/#comments Thu, 14 Feb 2013 05:12:16 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2755 Sometimes I tell jokes about love and lust and leprosy on Twitter and then later I explain them here (or usually just make more jokes), and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, 100% Special Valentine’s Day Edition!

SEXISM:

I was reading about bands or something and it occurred to me how few women (relatively speaking) are in bands — at least in bands signed to record labels. I thought this must be a result of cultural pressures that suggest music somehow isn’t “for girls”. And then I thought: chicks in bands are hot. So I’m part of the problem, I guess? Or part of the solution, maybe.

(For girls.)

I do take some comfort in that.

RELATIONSHIPS:

In the context of Valentine’s Day: Just ask every teacher who’s ever gone to jail for being a scumbag.

What’s the deal with chicks putting up with assholes so much, Rihanna?

This bit of cynicism is exaggerated for effect. Not every polite guy is being nice for the wrong reasons. But there are definitely a lot of assholes who use faux respect to manipulate women. And there are lots of women who use various means to manipulate men. I guess my point is, we’re all horrible.

The ol’ switcheroo.

LOVING YOURSELF:

This would be really funny. Try it.

If you find yourself in a position to sincerely say, “Only God can judge me,” then this is probably true.

That concludes this special Valentine’s Day edition of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. Speaking of love, if you love me, you should check out (and subsequently pledge money to) my Kickstarter campaign to write a book called Mostly Lies. Thanks!

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/13/this-is-twittering-episode-72-valentines-edition/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 71 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-71/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-71/#comments Mon, 11 Feb 2013 23:48:51 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2737 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then later I explain them here, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

By the way, please support my book project on Kickstarter if you haven’t already. I really appreciate it.

WORDPLAY:

Yeah.

WORDPLAY:

I think this one is darn good.

WORDPLAY:

This one is interesting from a writing perspective. Here’s how it came about: I was driving past a bail bond place that was open 24 hours, and I thought it was interesting the kinds of businesses that are open 24 hours. I thought, what kind of 24-hour businesses could be combined? I first thought of 7-Eleven, and then I thought of Denny’s, and then it hit me: grand slam, three strikes, KA-BOOM! Perfect.

WISDOM:

I really do this. Both parts.

WISDOM:

This is a good one. On the surface, it’s a ripoff of that joke about ignorance and apathy (“I don’t know and I don’t care”), except that one of my pet peeves really is people confusing pessimism and cynicism. Strictly speaking, the former has to do with facts and the latter has to do with motives. Cynicism is pessimistic, but pessimism is not necessarily cynical. So anyway, this joke is a play on the ignorance/apathy joke, but it’s also a heightening of it (at least in my mind) because it’s about the ignorance/apathy people have about the difference between pessimism and cynicism. It’s designed to be a teaching tool. Go forth and spread the bad news, jerk.

WORDPLAY:

This one is pretty good because it doesn’t make sense. If it had been, “Note to shelf: Good job holding up those books,” it would have been a very basic pun. If it had been, “Note to shelf: Make appointment with shpeech therapisht,” it would have been a pretty good stupid (but logically consistent) joke. But by phrasing it like I did, it’s logically inconsistent, which makes it truly absurd. By ending on booksh, you’re immediately aware that it’s not the basic pun (like the first example), and then you cognitively try to turn it into a speech joke (like the second example). But if I (the speaker) have that “sh” speech characteristic, then what the hell does holding up books have to do with anything? Why am I holding up books? It makes no sense. And I love stuff that doesn’t make marshmallows.

STUPID:

First of all, this is a joke about how people on reality shows, particularly those Bachelor-type shows, are disgusting (on the inside). It’s also a reversal — you think I’m an asshole calling people ugly, and then I call myself ugly too. And the idea of trying to have sex with myself is funny. But I had to be careful with the technical details. I think I originally wanted to say “if I wanted to see two people having sex with each other…” because I think that makes the “reveal” funnier. But, technically, trying to have sex with myself between two mirrors would show me an infinite number of uggos trying to have sex with themselves/each other. So, in this case, I sided with physics over phunny. It’s always a toss-up. I still think it turned out well.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-71/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 70 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/10/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-70/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/10/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-70/#comments Thu, 10 Jan 2013 20:04:51 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2693 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then I explain them here, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

STUPID:

See, instead of “I wish my wife was this dirty.” It’s the ol’ switcheroo. Plus, why’s your wife in prison?

WORDPLAY:

See, level. (This is a funny one.)

STUPID:

This is a joke about communication in the digital age and also Stevie Wonder?

REACTION:

This is about a song. Someone on the internet said, “doesn’t the mere mention of time warping imply that you’re already doing the time warp while contemplating the presumption, thus allowing for a repeat of said act?” To which I responded, “I don’t believe so. If the answer to the proposition ‘let’s do the time warp again’ is yes, then you’d be correct. But if the answer is no, then you wouldn’t. I think.” And of course I was right.

WISDOM:

This isn’t a joke about horrible drivers. It’s a joke about how we all tend to minimize or ignore our own faults while exaggerating the faults of others. Horrible driving is just one example.

WORDPLAY:

I wonder what the origin of that idiom is. Crackers are pretty interesting.

STUPID:

This is a funny switcheroo, too. You think it’s gonna be about me being suspicious of my wife, but it turns out she should be suspicious of me.[1] Also, don’t have affairs, people. It’s despicable. Just get divorced like a normal person.

REACTION:

There were these TV commercials about drunk driving that said “Buzzed driving is drunk driving.” So I made a joke about the word “buzz”. Also, don’t drink and drive, people. Just pass out in a gutter like a normal person.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

  1. I’m not really married, ladies.
]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/10/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-70/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 69 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/06/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-69/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/06/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-69/#comments Sun, 06 Jan 2013 23:55:22 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2690 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then I freak out and wonder if anybody understood the joke I was trying to make because, holy crap, what if I’m not as hilarious as I think I am!? So then I post them again here and explain them so they make even less sense, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WISDOM:

I love Occam’s Razor. I also love the visual of trying to pound your big, convoluted explanation into a simple, solution-sized hole.

WISDOM:

This would be an application of Occam’s Mallet.

WORDPLAY:

This is a play on “first world problems”. It’s not very funny.

REACTION:

We, as humans, really are very alike.

STUPID:

I like this joke. It’s basically absurd, but there’s a suggestion of uninformed xenophobia. The best absurdity is essentially a parody of life, which itself is absurd.

STUPID:

This is a funny joke ruined by a typo. It’s about the Jacksons.

WORDPLAY:

This is funny because it’s true.

WISDOM:

I like this one a lot too. It’s simple and effective. Just like me, babe.

WORDPLAY:

Dumb.

WORDPLAY:

This is a very funny joke about chopping up people (and eating them???).

WISDOM:

I think this might actually be pretty profound.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/06/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-69/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 68 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/02/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-68/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/02/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-68/#comments Wed, 02 Jan 2013 18:50:33 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2674 Happy New Year. Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then I freak out and wonder if anybody understood the joke I was trying to make because, holy crap, what if I’m not as hilarious as I think I am!? So then I post them again here and explain them so they make even less sense, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WISDOM:

Canada is pretty nice…

STUPID:

But moving is a hassle.

WISDOM:

This is funnier because I said “when” instead of “if”. I’m actually moderately concerned about ever being suspected of murder. I’m not a very emotive person, so I’m not sure if I’d react the “right” way if someone around me was murdered.[1] So many such cases are tried in the media, if not in actual courts of law. It’s a bit scary to me that someone can be declared guilty, in the absence of any other evidence, simply because they didn’t act how other people thought they should. That’s kind of the overarching nightmare of my life: the fear that however I’m behaving in a situation is wrong.

But being married really does increase your chances of having an alibi. Unfortunately, it also increases your chances of murdering your spouse.

WISDOM:

This is another thing I was kind of parodying with my Daily Inspiration tweets. Wisdom isn’t very meaningful without application. I think application is the hard part.

WORDPLAY:

This is just a dumb thing I thought of, but I’d be interested to see what kinds of ethical hookers I would encounter.

STUPID:

This is true, in that I’ve been eating a lot of yogurt and liking it a lot. I thought the idea of “really getting into” yogurt was funny. That’s it. There’s no joke besides that.

WISDOM:

A video is worth like a billion words. They’re all great forms of media, but I’d argue the point of writing isn’t always to pile on more words to get a point across; sometimes the fewer words you use, the more you’re actually saying.

REACTION:

This can be applied to many things in life. For me, it applied to belts.

WORDPLAY:

I think this is very funny.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

  1. If you’re absolutely sure of how you’d react in every possible hypothetical situation, you’re probably not very bright.
]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/01/02/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-68/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 67 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/12/27/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-67/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/12/27/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-67/#comments Thu, 27 Dec 2012 20:47:53 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2661 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then I freak out and wonder if anybody understood the joke I was trying to make because, holy crap, what if I’m not as hilarious as I think I am!? So then I post them again here and explain them so they make even less sense, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

REACTION:

This is all true. Creepy.

WORDPLAY:

This is a really funny joke. And I feel like I’ve tweeted it before.

WISDOM:

This is all true. Everyone knows by now that the 90′s alternative hit “Ironic” included a number of so-called ironies, none of which fit the standard definition of the word ironic. But I can’t believe I never considered this explanation before. What if it was the ultimate meta-commentary of all meta-commentaries? If that’s the case, Alanis and I have more in common than I ever imagined.

REACTION:

Or are we the worthless ones for watching?

REACTION:

I wonder if this sounds like I ran over a jaywalker. That’s not what I intended. I just meant that stepping out into a street in front of cars is likely to put you in the hospital or the morgue. So don’t do it, because it’s stupid.

WISDOM:

This is a good one because it’s funny and super true, kind of, and also super funny.

STUPID:

This makes no sense.

STUPID:

Sleep apnea is one of those things that I don’t think anyone had ever heard of until a few decades ago. If the medical establishment even knew it was a thing, it certainly wasn’t diagnosed very often. But now it seems like it’s everywhere. Therefore, vaccinations cause sleep apnea, quod erat demonstrandum, you’re welcome.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2012/12/27/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-67/feed/ 0