10. Top 10 New iPhone Launches/Middle East Uprisings
9. Top 10 Closed Celebrity Murder Cases Reopened
8. Top 10 Reasons That Top 10 Lists Are A Lazy Way To Make A Joke
7. Top 10 Toes On The Human Body (Bottom Half)
6. Top 10 Rebecca Black “Friday” Parody Remix Videos
5. Top 10 High School Teachers Having Sex With Students Scandals
4. Top 10 New Dances That It Turns Out Were Actually Just People Getting Tased
3. Top 10 Royal Wedding Souvenir Snowglobes
2. Top 10 Iraq Wars Ended
1. Top 10 Non-Protest-Related Pepper Sprayings

So, there you have it.

Enjoy the new year, everybody. It will be your last.

The rumors are true.

You’ll notice a number of exciting updates in the new version.

Release notes (2.0):

• Simplified user interface
• Now with 85% more beard
• Numerous bug fixes and enhancements

It is a very nice button. Just listen to this REAL TESTIMONIAL from Travis Sheridan: “Wearing the @thisisconlan button makes me moe (sic) popular…and you can quote me on that.”

If you would like your very own “This is Conlan: The Button v2.0″, please come find me, then ask me for one. Alternately, if you live far away (i.e., New York), please utilize the “donate” button on my awesome website and contribute some amount for postage and handling, then email me your address. Then I will send you a couple.^[1]

Act now. While supplies last.

1. You can even donate if you don’t get yours through the mail.

Blog. Action. Day. Not three words you’d typically associate with ol’ Connie Con-Con (me). But when I heard that the “day” was “poverty”, how could I not action-blog about it?

Poverty is a serious issue. It saves marriages, for instance. Without poverty, everyone would be having extramarital affairs, because it would be easy to take a day off your high paying job, rent an expensive hotel room and go at it.

Poverty keeps the food chain from getting all out of whack. Without poverty, certain segments of the population would not be eating out of garbage cans; they’d have real food. Maybe even with forks and stuff! If that’s not a recipe for global nuclear disaster, I don’t know what is.

Most importantly, poverty is the primary source of international self-esteem. Posturing politicians try to make it seem like “war” or “freedom” affect a nations reputation. Eff that. You know what really boosts our self-image? iPods, bitches! How many Sub-Saharan Africans have iPods? And I’m not talking about the ratty old 1st Gen with the physical scroll wheel (BARF!). I mean at least 2nd Gen nanos. Hmm? How many have them? Crickets. That’s what I thought. I’ve got a mothereffin’ iPod touch! What do you think about that, Malawi?! Pfft. Losers.

Lastly, I would like to include the lyrics of an appropriate Ben Folds’s song, entitled “All You Can Eat”. I’m not really sure, but I think it has to do with this stuff somehow. I think it’s about how you suck if you don’t like Walmart or something. Just read (I apologize for the unseemly language):

Son, look at all the people in this restaurant
What d’you think they weigh?
And out the window to the parking lot
At their SUVs taking all of the space

They give no fuck
They talk as loud as they want
They give no fuck
Just as long as there’s enough for them

Gotta get on the microphone down at Walmart
Talk about some shit that’s been on my mind
Talk about the state of this great of this nation of ours
People look to your left, yeah, look to your right

They give no fuck
They buy as much as they want
They give no fuck
Just as long as there’s enough for them

[Badass Piano Solo]

Son, look at the people lining up for plastic
Wouldn’t you like to see them in the National Geographic?
Squatting bare-assed in the dirt eating rice from a bowl
With a towel on their head and maybe a bone in their nose
See that asshole with a peace-sign on his license plate
Giving me the finger and running me out of his lane

God made us number one ’cause he loves us the best
But he should go bless someone else for a while and give us a rest
(They give no…)
Yeah and everyone can see
(They give no…)
We’ve eaten all that we can eat

[More badass Piano]

Also, if you would like to read about similar things from someone who is not a jackass, try here, or most of the links at BlogActionDay.org.

(via Drudge)

Humans are just one of the millions of species on Earth, but we use up almost a quarter of the sun’s energy captured by plants – the most of any species.

The most of any species!? I had no idea! I mean, I figured we at least used less than raccoons. I mean—raccoons! —they’re so damn sneaky! But you can’t argue with science.

This showed humans used 24 per cent of the energy that was captured by plants. More than half of this was due to the harvesting of crops or other plants.

Another shocking revelation! Do you mean to tell me that most of humanity’s plant use is due to… using plants!!?! I feel sick. What are we going to do?

Screw global warming… we’re using up THE SUN!!! And for what? Nothing but our petty “greed.”

For shame, humanity. For shame.

I don’t think anyone would have batted an eye if this article appeared in The Onion. Complete with Melbourne agriculture professor “Snow Barlow.”

A few years ago in my hometown, a guy ran his car into a little girl, killing her. I assume it was an accident. Some people nearby rushed over immediately. So they could beat up the driver.

One of my coworkers, while riding his bike to work, was struck by a car making an illegal turn. While he lay on the ground, stunned and bleeding, other bicyclists—obviously concerned—interrupted their own commute. So they could yell at the driver. It took a while for anyone to actually help my coworker.

This week in Austin, Texas, at a celebration commemorating the end of slavery, according the Associate Press, “A crowd attacked and killed a passenger in a vehicle that had struck and injured a child.” The murdered passenger became involved when he tried to stop the mob from killing the driver. The struck child’s injuries, it should probably be mentioned, were not life-threatening.

I actually can’t comment anymore on this without becoming infuriated. So I won’t—other than to point out the irony: in cases like these, it appears the person most concerned with the well-being of the victim is the one who actually injured them in the first place. Everyone else seems preoccupied with exacting revenge for an act which—however careless and stupid—was clearly unintended.

Former President Bill Clinton said Friday that disasters such as worldwide famine and an obesity epidemic could destroy the U.S. health care system unless politicians begin to look ahead and cooperate.

I’m pretty sure, at least, that it says a lot about the state of our world.