Damn my selfish pride (and impeccable comedic instincts)! Now I’m scared.

On the other hand…

Hey, Fraudsters. Cut it out, assholes! Who do you think you’re scamming? It’s not Wall Street fat cats or cocaine-addled celebrities. It’s stupid little old ladies living off a social security pittance, or the borderline mentally-ill. I realize you don’t care about fellow human beings; you’ve probably witnessed some pretty effed up stuff, probably don’t know who your father is, et cetera. I get it. But I just want to say, from one human being to another, and with the utmost sincerity, FUCK OFF.

The same goes for you in Latvia.

Luckily, after a few hours, he emailed again:

From: The Desk of the Telex Director
Rev Kampson T. Lars,
African Development Bank ,
No 12 Tinubu Square,
Lagos-Nigeria Office
www.afdb.org

Attention: Sir,

How are you? I have not heard from you since I sent you an email.

Yours faithfully;

Rev Kampson T. Lars,

www.afdb.org

Well, I didn’t want to keep him waiting.

To: “rev lars kampson”
Subject: Re: The Desk of the Telex Director

What up, Rev?

Thank you for contacting me again (i admire your persistance… and your deltoids!!). Sometimes I
forget which million dollars I am getting, so it is good for you to remind me.

I’m glad to see you got all the problems straightened out (e.g., address, letters, ex machina). I must admit I am skeptible about the whole “10million” vs. “122million” thing. But you seem like a cool guy, so I don’t want to be a dick, know what ah’m sayin’? I’m kidding, of course you do.

Please send my millions of US DOLLARS to:

Scammy P. Fraudencoch (it’s German? make a puke noise
at the end)
450 Golden Gate Avenue, Apt. B13
13th Floor
San Francisco, CA 94102

If you have any questions, please call me, 24 hours per day: America (415) 553-7400. Sometimes my roommate Ronald answers and pretends to be jerk on the phone (immature!). Just say (scream maybe?) “Let me talk to Mr. Fraudencoch!!!” and he will get me.

Tell me. Do you like juggling?

From my Fraudencoch to yours,
Scammy P.

STILL AWAITING RESPONSE…

From:”donald kaberuka” presidentafdb1@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Fund Release
To: ch.redwood

Desk of the PresidentAfrican Development Bank, (WWW.AFDB.ORG)No 12 Tinubu Square Lagos-NigeriaSubject: Re Fund ReleaseI am Mr. Donald Kaberuka, the President, AfricanDevelopment Bank.

This is to bring to your notice thatmy office has taking over all the money Transactionoriginated from any part of African and Europecountries as Contract payment, Fund Inheritance orLottery Winning due to Unauthorized/incapability offinancial Institutions/security companies In releasingsuch huge sum of money due to Fraud, terrorist andmoney Laundry activities going on world wide.

[... why must they go on and on?...]

You are therefore advised to forward your directtelephone numbers, Your complete name and your mailingaddress to Rev Kampson Lars for Immediate release ofyour money, Most importantly be aware that (TenMillion Dollars Only (US10, 000, 000.00) was allocatedto you, be also informed That the Fund Approvals andauthorization document Including AntiterroristClearance Certificate was issued in your name and hasbeen handed over To Rev Kampson Lars to release to youthrough any faster courier company, Therefore be awarethat your fund has obtained all her clearance to beReleased to you.

Finally Rev Kampson Lars is standby to receive yourcommunication and Release your fund to you throughInternational Cashier’ Bank Draft Without furtherdelay. Make your contact directly to Rev Kampson LarsThrough telephone number + ext 234####, Email-revlarsafdb2@yahoo.com, any time because we areworking 24 Hours to be able to meet with the mandategiven by the World Bank. It is more better that youmake your contact to Rev Kampson Lars Throughtelephone for more detailed information as he is avery bussy Man.

Thanks for Your Cooperation.
Mr. Donald Kaberuka (AFDB President)
www.afdb.org

I responded immediately, because I ride public transportation, and he is a very bussy Man…

Dear His Holiness the Honorable Reverend Kampson Lars:

I was pleased to receive the letter from His Excellency The Right Reverend President Donald P. Kaberuka McGillicutty. However, I am afraid there has been some mistake. His reverence mentioned that I would be release funds in the amount of Ten Million Dollars Only (US10, 000, 000.00) when, in fact, the correct amount is One hundred twenty-two million dollars only and thirty-seven cents (US122, 000, 000.37). Are you trying to cheat me!!! j/k lol!! ;-) This error is quite excusable as a typographical error. However, it appears your email provider has been affected by the random Spontaneous initial Capital Letter virus (Rsiclv). As I’m sure you might be able to understand, this concerns me in my utmost, being, as it were, in the position of which to collect said anti-terrorist certificate funding.

Also, I’m afraid the honorary president listed his office address incorrectly. This is also understandable. I sometimes get my own mixed up. Would you believe I accidentally had Amazon.com send my 22-volume DVD set of The Complete Matthew McConaughey to an ice hotel in Finland?! True story! (I don’t live in Finland!) Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be pleased to find your correct address in the “Contact Us” page of the African Development Bank website (thank you for the link! I wouldn’t not have spotted the error otherwise…).

I think you also may need some help with the BCC function of your email program.

Once you can ensure me these errors (aka spontaneous Capitalization and cream cheese) will not affect my funds, and also the additional $112,000,000.37 of my funds are correct, I will with great happiness and tingling provide you with my bank account number, social security number, telephone number, credit card number, mother’s maiden name and Matthew McConaughey DVDs in order to collect my Funds.

Warm and squishy regards,
C.H. (“Chunky Hunky”) Redwood, the Tree Trunk Hunk

I think I showed tremendous restraint.

P.S. Note the new category.

From: “Rita Elena” mrselena1@hotmail.com

Subject: Beloved One!!

Dear Beloved One,I am Mrs Rita Elena from ABIDJAN, I am 58 years old, i am a deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast which also affected my brain… blah blah blah … and my doctors have courageously advised me that i may not live beyond the next two months…etc.I was brought up in a motherless babies home, and was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child.

My husband and i are true Christians, but quite unfortunately, he was among the victims of an unfortunate bomb explosion that occurred some where in Africa on an official tour…. boo hoo hoo…Since his death I decided not to re-marry,I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $5.3 million United States dollars with a Bank….

It is my last wish to see that this money is invested in any organization of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organizations,the poor and the motherless babies home where i come from….As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank… yadda yadda…Hope to hear from you soonest.via email: mrsRita.Elena@gmail.com

Awaiting your reply

Yours in Christ, Mrs. Rita Elena

Why do they always ask you to reply at a different address? It seems that an astounding number of email addresses of legitimate Nigerian orphaned widow politicians with erectile dysfunction are being flagged as spam. Go figure.

My reply:

Subject: Lovey-dovey

Wow, you must have pissed off Jesus a whole lot for all that stuff to happen to you.Byeeee!

Amazingly, their response:

Subject: beloved one!

Dear beloved one,

Thank you very much for your reply to my email,I want to let you know that the confirmation from my doctor today was that I don`t have much days to stay.I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord… BS, BS, BS…

I need you to provide me with your personal data which includes your bank details with a scanned copy of your international passport or drivers license for proper identification,a valid contact address,age and marital status,occupation,place of birth,next of kin and so on so that I will write to the bank and instruct them to transfer this funds to your nominated bank account, I am totally down herein the hospital and my doctor is helping me as I am writing to you now with my laptop….MAY THE ALMIGHTY GOD BE WITH YOU, TO PROTECT AND GUIDE YOU IN JESUS NAME.AMEN.

Thanks and God bless.

Mrs. Rita Elena.

OK:

Subject: Re: beloved one!OK, my bank account details are… Oh, what’s this?Wait a minute, this is odd… I just got an email from Jesus… and he says he never heard of you! Oh, snap! See you in hell, bee-yotch!!

I admit, I got a little cavalier toward the end there.

STILL AWAITING RESPONSE…

From: MAILER-DAEMON@yahoo.comSubject: failure noticeHi. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com.I’m afraid I wasn’t able to deliver your message to the followingaddresses.This is a permanent error; I’ve given up. Sorry it didn’t work out.<ahmedmusa_06@yahoo.com>:20239 failed after I sent the message.Remote host said: 554 delivery error: dd This user doesn’t have ayahoo.com account (ahmedmusa_06@yahoo.com) [-5] – mta427.mail.mud.yahoo.com

I’m sorry it didn’t work out, too, Mailer-Daemon. I’m sorry, too…

To: “ahmed musa” <ahmedmusa_06@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Please confirm if you are capable to helping us with this US$2,100.00.

Hello, DOCTOR! I apologize for my tardy response. I’m tardy all thetime, over and over (my friends say ;there’s Tommy,tardy again! He’s re-tardy!”)Anyway, thank for your consideration. I am anxious toconclude the transaction!! As you know, ever since theloss of my three left fingers (jugging accident), Ihave not been able to proceed with my duty as SanFrancisco’s Juggling Locksmith (for many months). Asyou are wise, you are correct: I do not have $2100 inwhich with to apply to this transaction. All of mysavings is only $1873, which I am saving to use tore-attach two of my fingers (i keep them in thefreezer next to orange juice concentrate!!) – mostlikely middle (for giving to ol’ one finger saluteLOL) and pinky (for tea).

As you will no doubt surmise, 1878 i snot quite 2100.I am truly sorry for this inconvenience. I truly hopedto use the proceeds from our mutual benefit to alsoget my ring finger re-attached as well (in case i evermeet that special person – or my ex-wife changes hercomes to her senses LOL!). Truly, alas, ’twas notmeant to be, as Shakespear said!!however, truly, if I may be off further assistance,please call my home phone anytime at (415) 553-7400.

Sometimes my roommate Ronald answers and pretends tobe jerk on the phone (immature!). Just say (screammaybe?) “Let me talk to Mr. Poe!!!” and he will getme.

Thank you!!! I love you!!!

Sincerity,
Tommy P. Juggles

From:  ”ahmed musa”Subject: Please confirm if you are capable to helping us with this US$2,100.00.Dear Thomas Poe  Thanks for your positive response to our proposal. As you said that there is a lot of creeps out there on the internet, note that this deal is our lifetime opportunity to better ourselves so it is not just among the creeps on the internet.  For your information about me and my partners, we are four officials of NNPC involved in this transaction. We will be grateful to transact this deal with you for your mutual understanding but what will pose a problem is that this deal needed some little expenses which we already know and my colleagues and I have contributed the little money we saved from our salaries which is our life’s saving but it will not be enough to execute this deal hence we needed somebody who can assist us with little finance to actualize this deal.  Now from what you are saying, you have not worked for months, which mean you might not have the little finance required to helping us in achieving this deal. In a nutshell, we will need you to help us with US$2,100.00 to finance this deal. My colleagues and I have already contributed US$9,600.00 Please confirm if you are capable to helping us with this US$2,100.00 so that we can tell you the process of this deal which will not take us more than 2weeks to conclude.  We are waiting for your urgent response. You can call me on my direct phone number: 234-80-33185088 and you should give me your direct phone number to call you.    Best RegardsDr Ahmed Musa.

To:ahmedmusa_06@yahoo.comSubject: Re: REPLY BACKGreetings, Mr or Mrs Musa.I was very interested to read your email. I would like to help you with this transaction.My name is Thomas Poe, and I am a resident of San Francisco, California. I am 39 years old and divorced (no kids!!).Currently I do not have a company or position, as you requested (which is one reason I am so interested in your inquiry! LOL)By trade, I am a locksmith/juggler. I am known throughout my city as “The Locksmith Who Juggles”. Unfortunately, with the advent of magnetic key cards, and those damn car alarm clickies, there’s less and fewer uses for a locksmith (not to mention one who juggles!). I haven’t worked for months!As you can see, I believe this situation is mutually benefitiaul to both of us.However, as I’m sure you know, there are a lot of creeps out there on the internets (not to mention the pedophiles!!). Could you please tell me a bit more about yourself and your partner’s self and about how we will go about this transaction?As you say, honesty and trust is the watchword. I believe we can work out a beautiful relation.Your friend (with benefits! ;-) ),Tommy “The Locksmith Who Juggles” Poe

From: “Ahmed Musa” <ahmedm428@hotmail.com>Subject: REPLY BACKHello my friend,I am the chairman of the contract award committee of the National Petroleum Corporation here in Nigerian, for security reasons, I may not wish to disclose how I got your email address for now. After due deliberation with my partner, I decided to forward to you this business proposal, we want you to assist us receive the sum of Twenty eight million, six hundred thousand united state bills(us$28.6m) into your account. This fund resulted from an over-invoiced contract awarded by us under the budget allocation to my ministry and the bill was approved for payment by the concerned ministries.The contract was executed, commissioned and the contractor was paid his actual cost of the contract. Now, we are left with the balance of us$28.6m as the over invoiced amount, which we have deliberately over estimated for our own use. Please note that the law forbids civil servants to operate or own foreign accounts hence this contact, we have agreed to share the money in the following percentages: 30 for you, 60 for us 10 for tax as may be required by your government.Note that this transaction is very much free from all sorts of risk hence the business was carefully planned beforeit was successfully executed and we the officials involved in the deal have put many years in service to our ministry. We have been exercising patience for this privilege for so long not until the presidential announcement last week, that all foreign contractors owed be paid forthwith, this will enable the presidency reconcile our debt ratio with the outside world and to most of us, this is a lifetime blessing we cannot afford to miss. Upon indication of your interest to fully co-operate with us,Apayment application/information form will be sent to you via email for completion.Be informed also that the above mentioned form when properly completed by you and return via email, will enable us seek/secure approval of the fund from the concerned government quarters/ministries within 1-2 banking days. As soon as we confirm receipt of this money in your nominated bank account, my partner and I will come over to your country to arrange for our own share and possibly invest part of this money in your country. Let honesty and trust be our watchword throughout this transaction. I shall furnish you with some details about myself. Your prompt reply will be highly appreciated.Reply through this email: ahmedmusa_06@yahoo.com with this information.1) Your full name.2) Phone, fax and mobile #.3) Company name, position and address.4) Profession, age and marital status.

I’d have to be stupid to not take advantage of an opportunity like this…