Let me rephrase that: I hate it. Except when I feel able to be creative (which is rare), or when I don’t care.

Here is an email I just sent to a prospective employer:

Greetings, Mr. [Person]

My name is Conlan Spangler. I was given your email address by [someone], a very important (he assures me) [job position at the company]. He mentioned that [the company] may be looking for copywriters, in a freelance and/or other capacitiy. I am a copywriter in a freelance and/or other capacity.

I am based in Fresno, and have worked with a number of design and marketing firms here. I’d love to discuss how I may be able to help out. Let me know if you’d like to see any samples, references, or instructions on how to perform my patented “Penguin Dance”.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Conlan Spangler

(Shit. I just noticed the typos. Oh, well. That’s not my point. Anyway.)

It reminded me of another email I’d written: A little over a year ago, I came across a very entertaining, clever job ad on Craigslist. So I replied. (The following contains references to the original ad—which has unfortunately been lost to the sands of Internet—so the full impact may not be realized, but you’ll get the idea.)

Greetings, 

Good news: I received your message. Although I have to say, posting publicly on Craigslist like that was kind of risky. I guess I understand, though. My number’s not listed. In any case, the answer is yes; I will meet with you to discuss the Web Admin/Writer position. 

I’m fairly confident I can fulfill your stated goal of bad-assery. I’ve spent years honing my powers of persuasion and writerly wit. *ImAwesome* I’ll let you in on a little secret: the secret is subtle, subliminal, secret messages. By working in relevant phrases, almost imperceptibly *ImTheGuyForTheJob*, others find themselves inexplicably enticed by my prose. As members of a super secret organization, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the simplicity and practicality of this method. Also, it works wonders with the hip and down-with-it set.

Besides my skills in psychological marketing, I also have experience in project management and directing a team in an internet publishing environment *IWantFreeCandy* (see my attached résumé). In my role as an Operations Analyst for online college applications, I excelled at a multitude of useful things: project oversight, technical writing, multi-tasking, self-direction, coffee drinking, deadline management, bomb defusing (both figurative and literal, but not really literal), design, and web development.

Most importantly, I am awesome–as you may have already guessed *BecauseISubliminallyToldYouAlready,PrettyCleverHuh?*. I love watching TV. How else would I know what’s on TV? I’ve got so much creativity, it’s spilling out my ears. My doctor says it’s just earwax, but we know better, don’t we? I have no doubt I’d be a valuable additional to your team. 

I’m planning to relocate to the Los Angeles area soon (i.e, as soon as you tell me to). In the meantime, I’d love to make a trip down to meet and discuss the position further. I’m very flexible in my availability. Contact me anytime at [email or phone]. *YouWontBeSorry* Let me know if you have any questions, and I look forward to hearing from you. 

World Dominatingly Yours,
Conlan Spangler

I got the interview. Even with that “additional” typo.

To that end, I figured I would begin practicing—and where better than here, on my blog?^[2] The following is completely unedited, improvised poetry (slamming, stream of conscience, yes conscience, style):

The rustling, wrestling of the leaves
don’t bother the trees
they wrestle with leaves. Why?
the turbulent tide cannot abide the
formaldehyde—
what do you Have to hide?
could it be
what i see
when i need the pizza
pie. YES! but not the best—
take your rest when roaches infest
like coaches well-dressed—
a soccer ball tie? it was ok
i guessed.

don’t strain your eyes as I stylize the big surprise
like mustard
or custard
the nuggets are blustered
out of their head
winding up dead—
the coach’s well fed
I don’t mean to be abrasive
evasive
i think the time’s come for persuasive
thoughts and words
the flocking of birds
with buffalo herds
revenge of the nerds
he listens and heards—
homonyms, bomb-onyms
home
pro-palindrome
anti-antonym
The chances are slim
lighting grows dim
a guy named tim—
my uncle?
No.
some other Tim

It’s not the tim i know
business is slow
like a lazy metaphOR
dressed like a whore
everything’s a whore
if ever in doubt, call it a whore.
People will think you’re deep.
Uh… sleep?

**snappa snappa* snappa snappa snap***

Yeah, I’d say I still got it. And yes, you suspected correctly: that was about Barack Obama’s historic election. Also, a guy named Tim. But not my uncle. A different Tim.

I’ll keep you updated on when the annual Snerzen will materialize out of the night like a streetlamp fight, fight or flight… Sorry. Sometimes it’s hard to turn it off once I get going.

In any regardless, keep in mind that I am available for live poetry writings (NOT readings) for your next birthday party or office potluck (also available for firing people through improvised poetry—in this economy, you can’t afford not to pay me to fire people).

That’s all for Day 9. Keep it poetical!

1. The date and time of the Poetry Snerzen have not yet been made public, but it will undoubtedly take place in a dank, abandoned warehouse, probably on the wrong side of the tracks (i.e., Chinatown).
2. Answer: Nowhere.

I want you to know that I love you. Sincerely^[1]. I invite you to dig through the archives and discover the Magical Mworld of Conlan™. Also, hire me.

Warning: Some content on this website may not be suitable for mature audiences.

1. Not sincerely.

The January issue of Fresno Magazine comes out today, with a cover story on new Mayor Ashley Swearengin, who—you may remember—I have spoken with. The digital edition has not been updated for the new issue yet, so you’ll have sit in a local Barnes & Noble for a while if you want to read it.

I think the cover looks really nice. Mad props (so to speak) to photographer David Kennedy and Art Director Evan Rogers for making it pretty. And of course to Mayor Swearengin, too. Personally, I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy so I can read the intriguingly-titled cover story. And the music review. And the contributors page.

Imagine. A magazine actually being published. What will they think of next? Sliced bread? (Don’t write me emails; I am being facetious. Everyone knows there’s no market for sliced bread. What the hell do we have knives for?)

The latest issue of Covers Magazine is out, featuring a couple articles by me (i.e., Conlan). You can read the issue online by clicking the Covers Digital Edition link on their home page. If you would like your very own physical copy, you can buy one somewhere around Fresno, probably.

And no, I don’t know why it’s called Covers. I should ask. It’s probably because it “covers” stuff, not because it’s full of covers. Most of it is actually made of pages. There’s only one cover per issue, as far as I can tell.

Irregardlessness: the cover story, which I wrote, is about Nicole Giordano, host and promotions coordinator for Fresno’s KFRE CW Channel 59. I also wrote a short profile (less interesting) on my pal Ryan, of RCJones Photography, who photographed Nicole and contributed a bunch of other shots throughout the issue.

Concludingly, congratulations to Jay and the rest of the gang at Covers for making it to the big Oh-One.

(P.S. The “conspiracy theories” thing was a joke… at least that’s what they’d like you to think.)

Update 10/19/08: The physical magazine still isn’t out yet. I’m not sure if it ever will be; there have been some changes at Covers. Also, Nicole has since moved on from KFRE and will be doing all kinds of cool things in the future, which you can keep tabs on at her new MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/whoisnicolegiordano.

OK, granted, I haven’t really given alcoholism a fair shake. I admit that, and I promise to try harder in the future. But still, it seems like I should be producing something, doesn’t it?

Then it struck me today, between daydreaming of hanging out with Kevin Rose and compulsively refreshing my podcast feeds: it’s these infernal internets, cursed be their name!

Eighty years ago a brooding, intellectual recluse had few options for diversion. I don’t even know what they would’ve been… Reading? Whittling? Even when TV came along there were only a few channels, and they’d go completely off the air overnight. Midnight to 3am are an alcoholic insomniac’s busiest hours! What else was there to do but write brilliant prose?

But now there are literally gazillions of gallons of words and pictures dancing at my fingertips. I’m not even counting the pr0n (that’s how internet people spell “porn”). There is no end to the information. If I didn’t have to work or shop, I could remain a fully-informed citizen of the world without ever leaving home. Why spend valuable time and effort being productive when I can more comfortably read about movies I won’t see and electronics I won’t buy? Why channel my loneliness into something useful when instead I can build one-way pseudo-relationships with people who’ve never met me and probably wouldn’t like me if they did?

It’s so much easier. It’s such a cozy excuse. Instead of trying anything that could actually make me less miserable, I’ll just go ahead and check the headlines again. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter and subscribe to my RSS feed! Internets forever!

At home I stick the coffee warmer into the mirror hanging on the back of my bedroom door. I sit on my bed and stare at it.

Pretty sloppy writing, if you ask me. No revising during November, thank you.

But I feel my loyal readers deserve a little excerpt action. Bearing in mind this is in first draft form, I present to you the world’s first taste of Untitled Novel:

“That is absolutely right,” I say.

“Really?” She opens her eyes.

“Sure.”

“Ha,” she says. She doesn’t laugh; she says the word “ha”.

You’re welcome.

I hope my buddies Megan, Lauren, Madeline, and Ryan have started and just aren’t updating their word count (all of which are currently at zero). According to this forum posting, the number one reason people who sign up don’t finish NaNoWriMo is, they don’t start! Come on, guys. I believe in you (except for Ryan)!