This is Conlan http://thisisconlan.com I'm a writer of words, and these are some words that I wrote. Tue, 21 May 2013 19:03:43 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Ask Conlan: The Toughening http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/21/ask-conlan-the-toughening/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/21/ask-conlan-the-toughening/#comments Tue, 21 May 2013 19:03:41 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2892 The nation of Japan writes:

When the going gets tough, do the tough really get going?

Well, Japan, this is an interesting question and there are two schools of thought on the subject.

The antediluvians contend that the going is only ever really tough when everyone drowns. And, because of magic rainbows or something, nobody drowns anymore, so there’s no reason for anyone to get going, tough or not. On the other hand, the protoreptilians argue that rocks are “tough” but they’re also warm sometimes (relatively speaking), so their answer is yes (assuming that “going” refers to “going to the bathroom”).

If you want my personal opinion, I prefer the long O pronunciation of “ough”. So you would say something like “I stubbed my tough,” and nobody would mind because they’ve got better things to do.

I hope that answers your question.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/21/ask-conlan-the-toughening/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 76 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/09/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-76/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/09/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-76/#comments Thu, 09 May 2013 22:18:15 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2887 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WORDPLAY:

Silent G’s are funny. (I’m talking about taciturn gangsters.)

WISDOM:

This is true. We’re all stupider and smarter than we were or will be, so how about let’s cut each other some slack, OK?

WISDOM:

This is funny because it’s true.

WISDOM:

This is funny because it’s true.

STUPID:

This is funny because it’s not true. (I have no connection to the Spangler Candy Company.)

WORDPLAY:

In a way, that’s even more impressive.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/05/09/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-76/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 75 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/21/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-75/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/21/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-75/#comments Fri, 22 Mar 2013 06:26:21 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2844 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, and then other stuff, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. This one is mostly about Election 2012. So we’re about four months removed. I actually prefer commenting on current events long after they’ve happened. I think it allows for more objectivity, which I like. Unfortunately it also means no one cares about them anymore. It’s a pickle.

REACTION:

Must be election season. (It was.) This is true, by the way — just ask my shrink.

REACTION:

Fancy that.

WISDOM:

Almost never.

STUPID:

I was just kidding. It was the election results.

WISDOM:

I tweeted this on Election Day, so it was funny.

STUPID:

I haven’t checked… With 2012 out of the way, what’s the new odds-on favorite for when the world is going to end in the next few years?

WISDOM:

This is funny because it is ironic.

WORDPLAY:

This isn’t really wordplay, because each word here has just one meaning and is used correctly. But I like the elegance of the point. It’s funny because it’s true.

WORDPLAY:

This one is wordplay. I switched the letters, see, and then back-formed the premise to make a stupid pun. It’s funny because it’s stupid.

REACTION:

I do not like the United States Postal Service.

WISDOM:

My favorite part of this is the “and you’re also a jerk.”

STUPID:

I don’t think this makes sense.

REACTION:

Today’s TIT:MCD was brought to you by People Being Dumb for Thinking Other People Are Dumb.™

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, dummy.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/21/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-75/feed/ 0 Mostly Lies, Completely Funded http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/18/mostly-lies-completely-funded/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/18/mostly-lies-completely-funded/#comments Mon, 18 Mar 2013 22:10:43 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2830 Something cool happened a couple weeks ago. My Kickstarter project for Mostly Lies, a book, was successful. And that’s pretty cool. Thanks to everyone who helped make it happen. I am currently in the planning/rewarding phase of production. The new buttons are, as of this writing, lost somewhere in the postal system. (Remind me sometime to tell you about how I have grown to utterly despise the United States Postal Service.) I’m sure they will turn up soon and then I can get those sent out to all the backers (although it’ll be up to the USPS to deliver them, so I apologize in advance).

In the meantime, I thought I’d offer a brief reflection. Here I go reflecting:

Numbers

  • The total amount pledged was $6,197, which is 112% of the goal. (It is also a prime number.)
  • The total number of backers was 104.
  • The smallest pledge was $1. The largest was $1,000.
  • The average pledge amount was $59.59.

People

A total of 104 wonderful people, all of them extremely good-looking, backed Mostly Lies. I always had the secret goal of 100 backers. As much as I appreciate the big donors (which is a lot), one of my reasons for setting the $5,500 funding goal was because I wanted to see if my idea was appealing enough to attract a lot of people, and a lot of different people. And I guess it was.

Rightly or wrongly, I view each pledge as a compliment. It’s a, “Hey, you’re doing pretty cool stuff.” And the best way to get compliments — for me anyway — is from a healthy mix of strangers and friends.

When a stranger compliments you, it means a lot because they have no reason to blow smoke up your butt. You know they’re not just being nice because they’ll have to face you tomorrow. But at the same time, it’s easy to discount strangers’ compliments because, come on, they don’t really know you. Sure, you seem OK — superficially — but dig a little deeper and you probably suck. If those strangers only knew.

That’s how I think anyway.

So it’s nice to get the compliments from close friends too. Those are the folks who have been here all along and, crucially, they’re still here. Maybe you do suck, but you don’t suck enough for those people to completely lose all faith and abandon you.

It’s good to have both. And then, when you add everyone else in between — the person I occasionally run into at the pub, the person I banter with on Twitter, the person I went to high school with but haven’t spoken to since, my friend from first grade — that’s a really satisfying mix.

Serious Business

It’s a really satisfying opportunity to let people down by not writing something great. So now I’ll get on with the serious business of letting you all down.

I really appreciate the chance.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/03/18/mostly-lies-completely-funded/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 74 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/28/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-74/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/28/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-74/#comments Thu, 28 Feb 2013 19:42:51 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2811 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then later I explain them here (or usually just make more jokes), and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WISDOM:

And when it does, I’ll say, “See? I told you so.”

REACTION:

I don’t remember what was on TV opposite the baseball game. Some awards show, I guess. The point is, this applies to everything on TV always.

STUPID:

This is stupid.

WORDPLAY:

This is a play on a Garth Brooks song. But seriously, who makes phone “calls” anymore?

WISDOM:

10/11/12. This is true. People like to make connections between unconnected things, and other people like to complain about it when that happens. I think both groups are missing the point of being human.

STUPID:

I did think about it, and it is, but I don’t know exactly why.

REACTION:

I like that “exploiting mental illness” doesn’t start with “L”. But seriously, have you guys watched TLC lately? There has to be a theory somewhere on the internet about how, given enough time, every cable channel — whether it began as science, history, music, or movies — will eventually transform into a Kafka-esque farce.

WISDOM:

One thing we can all agree on: the other side is wrong. And probably evil. And definitely stupid. I just hate them so much.

WORDPLAY:

Do you see why this would be funny?

WORDPLAY:

(In case you did’t see why this would be funny.)

WISDOM:

It’s an interesting phenomenon to share or not share someone’s “sensibilities”. What are sensibilities? They’re pretty ephemeral. But I know them when I see them. And I hate them.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. Speaking of episodes, you should episode my my Kickstarter campaign to write a book called Mostly Lies. Thanks!

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/28/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-74/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 73 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/20/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-73/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/20/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-73/#comments Wed, 20 Feb 2013 16:01:51 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2789 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then later I explain them here (or usually just make more jokes), and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WISDOM:

I think this one is very, very funny. One of my top 200 tweets ever, definitely.

STUPID:

This makes no sense.

WORDPLAY:

This is funny because it’s religious.

REACTION:

It’s both. We’re all playing a character, aren’t we? But the character we’re most playing is ourselves. Know what I mean? It’s like, if someone were to play you in a movie, you know who could play you best? Morgan Freeman, probably.

REACTION:

I wrote this after seeing a lady turn left into oncoming traffic, almost getting smashed to smithereens. People are all just zipping around in these giant, heavy hunks of metal all day long, and people — as you know — are giant screw-ups. Plus, all the tweeting while driving. I can’t believe we haven’t already driven ourselves to extinction (PUN INTENDED!).

WISDOM:

Think about it.

WORDPLAY:

I don’t know if this one makes sense, but it’s funny because murder jokes are funny.

WISDOM:

This isn’t much of a joke, but it is a stirring, poignant sentiment.

REACTION:

I hate customer loyalty cards. Don’t make me play asinine games to earn “rewards”. How about you just try to earn my loyalty with good prices and great service? I was a loyal Walgreens customer for years precisely because they didn’t have one of those stupid clubs. Ever since they introduced one last year, I’ve significantly reduced my shopping there. I’m an edge case, I’m sure, but seriously, screw them! I don’t want to have to scrutinize the weekly ads and shelf tags to determine which products are the “right” ones to buy for their stupid game. And I resent the implication that I should be doing that. Bastards.

WORDPLAY:

This is a dumb pun, which I call a “punmb”. Or a “dumbn”.

WISDOM:

Here’s the thing about summing up a TV show in one line: they pretty much all sound stupid. The one-line premise description is about the least accurate indicator of a show’s quality. Some of my most favorite shows sound dumb on paper. Some of yours do too. I would give you some examples here, but I’m still all worked up about those damn loyalty cards. I’m just gonna stop now.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. Speaking of conclusions, you should conclude to check out (and subsequently pledge money to) my Kickstarter campaign to write a book called Mostly Lies. Thanks!

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/20/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-73/feed/ 0 Advance Praise for Mostly Lies http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/18/advance-praise-for-mostly-lies/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/18/advance-praise-for-mostly-lies/#comments Mon, 18 Feb 2013 17:04:11 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2761 You all know that I think I’m great,[1] so of course I’m going to tell you that Mostly Lies is gonna be great too. But you can’t believe me — I’m an unreliable narrator (did you even read the title?). Luckily, you don’t have to take my word for it.

Check out these 100%-real critics’ blurbs about Mostly Lies I received FROM THE FUTURE. They were sent to me through a time-traveling wormhole[2] from an unspecified date in the not-too-distant future. Here’s what critics will be saying:

“No one captures the heartbreaking ecstasy of everyday life quite like Conlan can. Mostly Lies is a stirring, poignant, and often hilarious look at the foibles and peccadillos of modern society, filtered through a lens of farts.” — William Safire, TMZ

“When I heard that Conlan was writing a book, I was like, ‘Who’s Conlan?’ I still don’t know.” — Jay Leno’s mechanic

“Did he steal this idea from me?” — Michael Showalter

“Mostly Lies was the first book I read after my cryogenically frozen head was thawed. Let me tell you this: scientists may have finally cured all diseases, but — as long as Conlan is around — one thing they’ll never cure is laughter.” — Walt Disney

“I’d like to dedicate my Nobel Prize in the field of Curing All Diseases to my inspiration, Conlan Spangler. His book Mostly Lies is what gave me the determination to keep pursuing my research, even when everyone told me that synthesizing a super-drug from the spliced DNA of reanimated dinosaurs was a bad idea.” — Dr. Guybert Fieri

“As the mutant pterodactyl tore my parents’ bodies apart, with their dying gasps they told me (via Skype): ‘Our biggest regret,’ they said — the black haze of nuclear winter cresting the horizon — “is not supporting Mostly Lies when we had the chance.” — YOUR (FUTURE) CHILD???

As you can see, the critical acclaim will be umamious. Don’t worry though; I promise I won’t let it change me. I’ll always remember those most important little people who helped me get my start by backing Mostly Lies on Kickstarter.

And what about those little people who didn’t help? I will dedicate all my resources and the rest of my life to crushing them — emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Those who are devoured by the dinosaurs will be the lucky ones.

Remember, everybody: The future is what you make of it.

  1. And also very, very awful.
  2. I.e., a hole dug by a time-traveling worm.
]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/18/advance-praise-for-mostly-lies/feed/ 0 This is Twittering, Episode 72: Valentine’s Edition http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/13/this-is-twittering-episode-72-valentines-edition/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/13/this-is-twittering-episode-72-valentines-edition/#comments Thu, 14 Feb 2013 05:12:16 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2755 Sometimes I tell jokes about love and lust and leprosy on Twitter and then later I explain them here (or usually just make more jokes), and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, 100% Special Valentine’s Day Edition!

SEXISM:

I was reading about bands or something and it occurred to me how few women (relatively speaking) are in bands — at least in bands signed to record labels. I thought this must be a result of cultural pressures that suggest music somehow isn’t “for girls”. And then I thought: chicks in bands are hot. So I’m part of the problem, I guess? Or part of the solution, maybe.

(For girls.)

I do take some comfort in that.

RELATIONSHIPS:

In the context of Valentine’s Day: Just ask every teacher who’s ever gone to jail for being a scumbag.

What’s the deal with chicks putting up with assholes so much, Rihanna?

This bit of cynicism is exaggerated for effect. Not every polite guy is being nice for the wrong reasons. But there are definitely a lot of assholes who use faux respect to manipulate women. And there are lots of women who use various means to manipulate men. I guess my point is, we’re all horrible.

The ol’ switcheroo.

LOVING YOURSELF:

This would be really funny. Try it.

If you find yourself in a position to sincerely say, “Only God can judge me,” then this is probably true.

That concludes this special Valentine’s Day edition of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. Speaking of love, if you love me, you should check out (and subsequently pledge money to) my Kickstarter campaign to write a book called Mostly Lies. Thanks!

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/13/this-is-twittering-episode-72-valentines-edition/feed/ 0 Mostly Truth About Mostly Lies http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/12/mostly-truth-about-mostly-lies/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/12/mostly-truth-about-mostly-lies/#comments Tue, 12 Feb 2013 17:34:45 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2746 Since I announced my intention to try to get people to give me money so I can write a book called Mostly Lies, people have been clamoring to know more about it. I explained a lot of it in a post last week, but I’ve gotten more questions, so I am going to answer some of them here.

Q: What are you talking about?

A: Please refer to the Kickstarter page, and then to this blog post.

Q: What is it like to be a bat?

A: I don’t know because I am not now, nor have I ever been, a bat. This is not a question about the book.

Q: Will it be funny?

A: No one can say for sure. But I will say that I will try to make some parts of it funny. But it won’t all be funny. And you may not think the things I try to make funny are funny at all.

Q: Is any of it going to be sad?

Only as sad as I am — which is to say, very.

Q: Why is it called Mostly Lies?

A: The short answer is, because I always thought Mostly Lies: A Memoir would be a funny name for a book. The long answer is, because I’m afraid of commitment? I want to tell true stories, but I don’t want the facts to get in the way of what I want to say. I don’t want to have to worry about whether I really ate 12 pickles or just seven. The point is, I ate a lot of pickles while watching a man die in Albuquerque. But it wasn’t really a man — it was a dream — and it wasn’t really Albuquerque — it was a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. But that’s the point, don’t you see? Sooner or later all dreams die, just like men. And sooner or later all ice cream gets eaten, just like Albuquerque. I just want to lie about it, OK? Do you see what I’m trying to say?

Q: Will it all be lies?

A: No. In fact, it may not even be mostly lies. But there will definitely be some lies, and I’ll never tell you which parts are which. That will be the fun of it.[1]

Q: Is it just gonna be like a bunch of blog posts collected together?

A: I hope not. The goal is to create something cohesive, that builds upon itself and takes advantage of the book-length format. I’ve made connections between posts and followed themes here on the blog, but a blog is nonlinear by nature. It’s designed for you to jump in at any point. With Mostly Lies, I’m hoping to create something with more structure — if not a story arc, strictly speaking, then something of a logical arc. My ambitions may be overreaching, but that’s the goal at this point.

Q: I still don’t get it. What’s the book going to be about?

A: I can’t really say, because I really don’t know yet. I know about certain parts — I have rough drafts of certain parts — but I haven’t yet found the logical arc I want to build on. I’m hoping that comes together with time. All I know at this point is that it’s going to be an autobiographical narrative about stuff from my life — and so much of my life takes place in my head that a lot of the book is going to take place there too.

Q: What other books would you compare it to?

A: If you forced me to compare it to something, I would say, “Hey! Quit forcing me, dude!” and then I would point to Mr. Funny Pants by Michael Showalter. Although that’s really a post hoc comparison. It’s a pre-book, post hoc, ergo prompter hoc fallacy, but there it is. Showalter’s book is similar in its miscellaneous scope, but I don’t think he made up most of it. (I actually had the idea before Showalter to write a book about the writing of that same book. I had never told anyone about it, so I’m not gonna say he stole it from me, but he probably did.) I liked Showalter’s book, but didn’t think it was as good or as funny as it could have been. There are a few chapters in the middle where he gets more heartfelt, and it starts to really seem like it’s going somewhere, but it ultimately falls apart.

While I’m talking about funny books I like: I like This Is a Book (no relation) by Demetri Martin. It is much funnier than Showalter’s, but much less memoir-y. Those are the only two funny books I’ve read.

Q: Will there be an audiobook version?

A: If there is enough demand, no. I doubt there’s even going to be an visualbook version of it.

Q: Is there anything else you can tell me?

A: Yes. I listed some possible chapters on the Kickstarter page (and those all really are possible chapters), but here are some even more possible chapters:

I hope that provides some more insight in this whole stupid idea of mine. Why not contribute? If it doesn’t get completely funded, you won’t have to pay anything, so you have nothing to lose except your money!

  1. Disclaimer: That may not, in fact, be the fun of it.
]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/12/mostly-truth-about-mostly-lies/feed/ 0 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 71 http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-71/ http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-71/#comments Mon, 11 Feb 2013 23:48:51 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=2737 Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter and then later I explain them here, and This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

By the way, please support my book project on Kickstarter if you haven’t already. I really appreciate it.

WORDPLAY:

Yeah.

WORDPLAY:

I think this one is darn good.

WORDPLAY:

This one is interesting from a writing perspective. Here’s how it came about: I was driving past a bail bond place that was open 24 hours, and I thought it was interesting the kinds of businesses that are open 24 hours. I thought, what kind of 24-hour businesses could be combined? I first thought of 7-Eleven, and then I thought of Denny’s, and then it hit me: grand slam, three strikes, KA-BOOM! Perfect.

WISDOM:

I really do this. Both parts.

WISDOM:

This is a good one. On the surface, it’s a ripoff of that joke about ignorance and apathy (“I don’t know and I don’t care”), except that one of my pet peeves really is people confusing pessimism and cynicism. Strictly speaking, the former has to do with facts and the latter has to do with motives. Cynicism is pessimistic, but pessimism is not necessarily cynical. So anyway, this joke is a play on the ignorance/apathy joke, but it’s also a heightening of it (at least in my mind) because it’s about the ignorance/apathy people have about the difference between pessimism and cynicism. It’s designed to be a teaching tool. Go forth and spread the bad news, jerk.

WORDPLAY:

This one is pretty good because it doesn’t make sense. If it had been, “Note to shelf: Good job holding up those books,” it would have been a very basic pun. If it had been, “Note to shelf: Make appointment with shpeech therapisht,” it would have been a pretty good stupid (but logically consistent) joke. But by phrasing it like I did, it’s logically inconsistent, which makes it truly absurd. By ending on booksh, you’re immediately aware that it’s not the basic pun (like the first example), and then you cognitively try to turn it into a speech joke (like the second example). But if I (the speaker) have that “sh” speech characteristic, then what the hell does holding up books have to do with anything? Why am I holding up books? It makes no sense. And I love stuff that doesn’t make marshmallows.

STUPID:

First of all, this is a joke about how people on reality shows, particularly those Bachelor-type shows, are disgusting (on the inside). It’s also a reversal — you think I’m an asshole calling people ugly, and then I call myself ugly too. And the idea of trying to have sex with myself is funny. But I had to be careful with the technical details. I think I originally wanted to say “if I wanted to see two people having sex with each other…” because I think that makes the “reveal” funnier. But, technically, trying to have sex with myself between two mirrors would show me an infinite number of uggos trying to have sex with themselves/each other. So, in this case, I sided with physics over phunny. It’s always a toss-up. I still think it turned out well.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2013/02/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-71/feed/ 0