This is Conlan

Here grow again (nothing is growing), including links.

WISDOM:

Just because I don’t care, that doesn’t mean I don’t disapprove.

Actually, it does mean that. It also means I don’t approve. I just don’t care. Stop bothering me about it.

STUPID:

Too Big to Smell: The Inside Story of How Speed Stick and Right Guard Fought to Deodorize America—and Themselves

This is overreaching. “Too big to smell” was funny to me, though.

WORDPLAY:

If you eat really good tri-tip, a funny thing to say would be, “Tri-tip? More like SUCCEED-tip!”

But don’t say “Fail-tip”. That’s stupid.

Homophones…

Also, I’m tired of people describing things with the word fail. But that’s probably because of my automatic, irrational rejection of most anything that’s unoriginal. To me, originality—and thus a sense of surprise—is one of the most important parts of creativity. It bothers me when people trade on other people’s ideas to get an emotional response from an audience. Of course, it’s impossible to not do that, which is why my response is irrational (or hypocritical, if you don’t really know what hypocritical means).

WISDOM:

My worldview perfectly explains everybody’s motivations except my own.

Speaking of hypocrisy: Why are we always compelled to make exceptions for ourselves (and our friends) when we talk about what’s wrong with the world? I think it’s because, despite our best efforts, we can never really believe that other people are as complex as we are.

STUPID:

The world is your oyster and oysters are aphrodisiacs and no means no and just leave me alone, OK?

This construction is called, “The Energizer Bunny That Eventually Dies”.

REACTION:

I always wait until the last possible moment to put my pants on.

…before I jump out of the airplane.

STUPID:

If you knew a guy named Martin who passed gas a lot, I think a good nickname for him would be “Gas-Passin’ Gary”.

After I posted this, someone on Twitter helpfully pointed out that “Fartin’ Martin” would be a better nickname.

I’m going to level with you guys: I had already thought of that. My first thought actually was “Fartin’ Martin”. But I assumed^[1] that joke had already been made. So I pulled a switcheroo to make it more unexpected and original. And that was the joke. Are you beginning to understand me?

STUPID:

My favorite kind of backwards is ass-backwards.

This doesn’t mean anything.

WISDOM:

I’m not as good-looking as I think, because I’m not as smart as I look.

I like verbal gymnastics like this, especially when it makes sense. If you’re not smart, then you don’t think well, so if you think you’re good-looking, you’re probably wrong—even if you look smart.

WISDOM:

You can tell a lot about a person by their handshake. For instance, I could tell that the guy I just met had at least one hand.

You only get one impression to make a first chance.

WISDOM:

Bread is just toast that isn’t done yet.

If there’s a bread in the world that can’t be improved by some light toasting, I haven’t found it.

STUPID:

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the one where he caught a bullet with his teeth.

Seriously, how did he DO that?

I wish I would’ve left off the second sentence. It would have been subtler and, I think, funnier.

WORDPLAY:

You’re wearing out. You’re welcome.

See, this is funny because I took a common phrase and changed the punctuation.

WISDOM:

Only the good die young, which is why no one likes old people.

This one was really popular. A lot of people retweeted it. I assume because old people suck so much.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

1. And I confirmed it through a Google search. [↩]

Now it’s the time when it’s time for another meta-commentary digest. This week^[1] I’ve tried something different: I’ve included direct links to the toots I’m talking about, so you (if you are on Twitter AKA if you are cool) can retoot or favorite the ones you like, if the mood should strike. I’ll see if anyone takes advantage of it, and maybe I’ll keep including the links or maybe I’ll stop. Who knows? Anyway.

STUPID:

I can’t believe Regis quit so soon after taking over for Oprah. It’s like Jack Parr on Nightline all over again.

This doesn’t really make sense. It’s just a lot of pop culture references that may or may not be related, and may or may probably not be true.

WORDPLAY:

Sometimes: not always.

Some times: 11:03 p.m., 4:21 a.m.

Sum times: 9:38 a.m. + 5:19 p.m., 12:22 a.m. + 7:56 p.m. + 9:00 p.m.

BEHOLD! OUR AMAZING ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

REACTION:

Referring to your non-baby teeth as “permanent” is a little too optimistic, I think.

Same deal with “permanent” markers. When my sister was two and I was seven, I drew a very pleasant picture on her face—some flowers and a sunset and things like that—but it only lasted for a couple years. I complained to Sharpie, but they didn’t care.

WORDPLAY:

I don’t want to offend anyone, so I’m always sure to say, “I’ll Ms. you.”

I’m offended by the abbreviation Mrs. because there is no “R” sound when you say it (as far as I can tell).

REACTION:

CONLAN INTERNET FAME WATCH 11/15/11: Nothing yet.

CONLAN INTERNET FAME WATCH 12/16/11: Still nothing. What is wrong with you people?? Please RT.

REACTION:

Remember when “The Situation” got so riled up he slammed HIS OWN HEAD into a concrete wall, sending himself to the hospital?

Pure poetry.

This really happened. I don’t watch Jersey Shore, but I watch The Soup and I saw it for myself. How great is that? It’s always fun to see stupid jerks do things that hurt themselves, but it rarely happens with such elegance. What is the stupidest way for a person to get a concussion? Purposely slamming your head into a concrete wall has to be at the top of the list.

STUPID:

Sometimes humanity really disappoints me. But then I remember that someday our species will be extinct.

So, catch-22.

This doesn’t make sense.

REACTION:

Sometimes my job makes me feel like a whore.

But there’s no way around it: cuddling costs extra.

This is just a joke. I’m not actually a prostitute, technically speaking.

REACTION:

I don’t have enough self-confidence to be an alcoholic.

Whenever I see people get really drunk and obnoxious in public, I can’t help but admire their self-assuredness. It must be nice to care more about getting drunk than to care about looking like an idiot. Good for them.

REACTION:

Really smart people are too eager to show off how smart they are, whereas really stupid people are too eager to show off how smart they are.

I’m so smart.

STUPID:

Just so you know: I’m completely naked under all this hair.

I’m pretty hairy, but not hairy enough for it to be, like, “my thing”. I’m in a furry no man’s land between babies’ butts and Bigfoots.

WISDOM:

If you time-travel to the past and kill your own grandfather, he probably deserved it.

Because he was probably a jerk.

STUPID:

Whenever I see someone who’s struggling and needs a little help, I can’t help but think, “There but for the grace of God go fuck yourself.”

I apologize for the profanity, but it’s the only way this joke would have worked. And I think it works quite well. The shock of the punchline contrasts nicely with the warm feelings of the lead-up. Anything less than “fuck” would’ve felt like a cop-out^[2] and it wouldn’t have worked.

That’s all.

1. Or whatever. [↩]
2. Not that I’m totally opposed to cop-outs. [↩]