Even though I’m a guy, I have a very strong maternal instinct. For instance, I often get drunk and pass out on the couch.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) November 11, 2012
I think this one is very, very funny. One of my top 200 tweets ever, definitely.
Gerbils are the rats of hamsters.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 26, 2012
This makes no sense.
My favorite ‘N Sync song parody is “(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on Jews”, because it’s funny *and* true (biblically, I mean).— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 26, 2012
This is funny because it’s religious.
Someone once asked me if my Eeyore-like, despondent demeanor was real or “schtick”. What they didn’t understand was, it can be both.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 26, 2012
It’s both. We’re all playing a character, aren’t we? But the character we’re most playing is ourselves. Know what I mean? It’s like, if someone were to play you in a movie, you know who could play you best? Morgan Freeman, probably.
It’s amazing to me that we all don’t get into car accidents every day.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) October 3, 2012
I wrote this after seeing a lady turn left into oncoming traffic, almost getting smashed to smithereens. People are all just zipping around in these giant, heavy hunks of metal all day long, and people — as you know — are giant screw-ups. Plus, all the tweeting while driving. I can’t believe we haven’t already driven ourselves to extinction (PUN INTENDED!).
Better safe than stupid.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) October 2, 2012
Think about it.
I don’t agree with murdering unfunny people, but I’ll defend to the death your right to joke about it.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) October 1, 2012
I don’t know if this one makes sense, but it’s funny because murder jokes are funny.
I often forget trivial stuff, but I’m good at remembering things I *try* to remember, and I’m *great* at remembering things I try to forget.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 30, 2012
This isn’t much of a joke, but it is a stirring, poignant sentiment.
The road to hell is paved with customer loyalty cards.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 27, 2012
I hate customer loyalty cards. Don’t make me play asinine games to earn “rewards”. How about you just try to earn my loyalty with good prices and great service? I was a loyal Walgreens customer for years precisely because they didn’t have one of those stupid clubs. Ever since they introduced one last year, I’ve significantly reduced my shopping there. I’m an edge case, I’m sure, but seriously, screw them! I don’t want to have to scrutinize the weekly ads and shelf tags to determine which products are the “right” ones to buy for their stupid game. And I resent the implication that I should be doing that. Bastards.
I believe in redemption. Why else would I be saving all these bottles and cans?— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 27, 2012
This is a dumb pun, which I call a “punmb”. Or a “dumbn”.
Don’t judge a TV show by its premise, books.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 27, 2012
Here’s the thing about summing up a TV show in one line: they pretty much all sound stupid. The one-line premise description is about the least accurate indicator of a show’s quality. Some of my most favorite shows sound dumb on paper. Some of yours do too. I would give you some examples here, but I’m still all worked up about those damn loyalty cards. I’m just gonna stop now.
That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. Speaking of conclusions, you should conclude to check out (and subsequently pledge money to) my Kickstarter campaign to write a book called Mostly Lies. Thanks!