I like writing cover letters for jobs. Let me rephrase that: I hate it. Except when I feel able to be creative (which is rare), or when I don’t care. Here is an email I just sent to a prospective employer: Greetings, Mr. [Person] My name is Conlan Spangler. I was given your email address [...]
Dear Sandy, First of ALL «I want you to know I am alright.» I AM sure you have heard about the trouble that HAS OCCURRED, here, at the IFTRATOICAP: i have been told IT is on THE news. I have not BEEN able to confirm/this, because we HAVE BEEN (on lockdown) since the incident. i [...]
Dear Sandy, Tonight I arrived at the Institute for THE research and Treatment of Inappropriate Capitalization & Punctuation for my two-day, THREE-NIGHT TREATMENT program. I am GLAD TO REPORT that the, bus ride was smooth and UNEVENTFUL. The staff was very helpful WHEN I arrived, directing Me to my—room and not MAKING fun of the [...]
Dear Gary, You’re probably wondering how I got your address. There are four simple explanations for this: Internet is a beautiful thing. It knows all. You are my friend. I think I’d have my friend’s address! This is an open letter, so I didn’t actually send anything to an address, stupid. If, somewhere in the [...]